I was told the story of four brothers, all of the same mother and father. They were a close knit family and even though poverty stricken, they were rich in the things that mattered. Their father had died early. Their mother who brought them up doing menial jobs instilled in them the duty of love and sacrifice they owed each other.
The eldest struck out on his own leaving their village to the nearby town at the age of 15 to work as an apprentice to a rich relative. After his years of servitude his boss opened a shop for him. He was able to bring his brothers to town to help him out. They made good for themselves, sharing the same house, living in harmony, respecting themselves as they had been brought up.
Sacrifices is what family is about
The first son who could not advance his education ensured that his brothers finished secondary school. All the brothers made sacrifices for the last child to go into university. As he became more financially settled, the first son got married. As soon as she came into the family, their mother, called her son’s wife aside and begged her to see herself as the mother of all her sons and ensure that the bond of unity continued. To her credit, the wife did so especially as the last two sons lived with her and her husband. She prepared meals, ensured they were well looked after and generally mothered them.
Then the 2nd wife came in and as it is wont with us women, the wives began to clash with one another. The second wife desired that her husband be independent from his brothers. She wanted to maintain her position as the first woman of the house. The 2nd wife pushed for her husband to leave the company and found his own business. She convinced her husband his brothers were using him. He eventually did and though he and his brothers still collaborated from time to time on big projects.
The brothers all got married
With time, the 3rd and 4th brothers each got married. The 4th brother moved abroad with his wife and became fairly well to do. The first son asked his brother to accommodate his son who went for his Masters in the United States of America. The 4th son, eager to repay his brother for all he had done to help him agreed, stating that his brother’s children were his own. He did not comprehend the impact such arrangement would have on his marriage and his relationships with his brothers.
At first, everything went smoothly. After a while the attitude of the 4th wife changed and suddenly her nephew- in- law was faulted for everything wrong. Daily, his aunty reminded him of how much of a drain his accommodating was to her family’s pockets. After many interventions by the brothers and finally not being able to bear the constant fights, the nephew left his uncle’s house.
The brother tried to keep it together
In his Defence, the 4th son had noticed the unfair treatment of his nephew. He had tried to make peace but found himself enmeshed with arguments with his wife. In order to maintain the peace, he turned a blind eye to his wife’s excesses. He began to see faults that he had hitherto been blind to and gradually sided with his wife.
Brothers took sides, with each wife fanning the embers of bitterness and anger and it took its toll on the relationship among the brothers. They began to accuse one another of manipulation, selfishness and ingratitude. Soon, they stopped their frequent family gatherings. They met only on special occasions such as weddings and birthdays. Though the brothers still loved one another they were restrained because of the animosity among their wives.
An all too familiar story
This story is a familiar one in many families. The introduction of new members, especially women, causes a wedge among family members. This is not an African Phenomenon as we can see it unfold in the Windsor’s, the royal Family of the United Kingdom.
If the truth be told, women have a very important role in keeping a family together. It is not a role to be taken lightly or to be trifled with. Foolish is the woman who will disregard the abilities of her daughters- in- law at causing disaffection among her children.
Having been married to a family that has a majority of male children, being the first wife, I know too well the powers a woman has over her husband. She would have a desire to make him independent of his siblings and parental influences. in addition, she would desire her own nuclear family and begin her own traditions outside of those she met when she joined the family. She already sees herself the matriarch of her home and has a desire to exert her influence over her husband and children.
Let’s talk about Harry and Meghan
I haven’t watched any of the Harry/ Megan interviews’ neither am I going to read “Spare,” the much awaited and recently released autobiography of Prince Harry. I am concerned that many of the “revelations” have no business being in the public domain. Having admired the closeness between the two brothers especially after their mother’s untimely death, my heart is broken seeing the gulf that now exists between brothers.
It is women that will notice things that men would not ordinarily notice. They usually are the ones quick to impute offenses and slights where there is none. They often try to put order into the lives of their men. I agree that most times we will see a need to straighten out the families we marry into. The truth is that some of our husbands are unfairly treated and often taken advantage of. There is nothing wrong in wanting one’s privacy and wishing that one’s husband prospers. It should be done ,however, in a way that it does not destroy the families we marry into.
There should be boundaries but…
There are ways we can create boundaries without breaking familial bonds. We can build our own family traditions without allowing the traditions we met to disappear. We can ensure our husbands are treated well for the good of the family.
There is no mother who will want her children to be divided and it behooves of us to ensure that we are mindful of the fact that someday women just like us will come into our families and demand independence from our carefully built traditions.
What is Diana doing now?
My opinion on the Harry/ Megan/ William/ Katherine saga is that had the women in the midst of all of this prevailed on their husbands to remember they loved themselves, appealed to them to ensure that they do all they can to maintain the unity that their mother fought so hard to instill, the whole world would not be front seat witnesses to the pain Diana sons are going through.