Uncle was sitting down and waiting for the marriage preparation class to end so that the evening service would start. The voice of the woman boomed over the microphone.
“Ladies, the girls outside are not smiling at all at all. Never let yourself go. Do not be like our mothers. They just let themselves go tying wrappers around their chests and sitting down in the house with hairnets. Be smart. Be sexy. Make it exciting for him. Wear bum shorts and a tank top.”
The whole place erupted with laughter.
The class soon ended but uncle was very puzzled.
When he got home, he asked his son who was still in the university what bum shorts were. His son seemed embarrassed but he found some pictures on the internet and showed him. He hissed.
“What is attractive about that?”
“Daddy. It is hot o!” his son squealed in protest.
“What do you know about women and what is hot? Better face your books o. This one that they are saying you boys of nowadays are bum shorts boys. It shows you don’t know anything.”
His son left laughing at him. There is something about being young that makes young adults think they have the final say on anything that refers to sex. They assume that the older adults lack knowledge and are straight laced and old fashioned about what sex is and the act of sex itself.
Young people think that sex is for them.
They even go as far as seeing their parent’s generation as asexual.
How does anyone sell the idea that bum shorts are sexy and wrappers are not?
There is a miseducation somewhere.
Less clothing seems to mean sexy.
Long skirt= not sexy
Knee length skirty= not sexy but things are looking up.
Inches above the knee skirt= sexy
Mini skirt= SEXY
Bum shorts= touching the sky sexy.
Bikini= orgasmic.
This puzzled uncle. Did the imprint of a female’s labia and the bumpy aureole have to show before a woman is considered desirable?
“These kids don’t know anything.”
Later when he was relaxing with a bottle with his two friends. He asked them what they thought was sexy in a woman.
“Lan-ray the bad boy from Ibadan!!!” Tunde belted out a laugh from his stomach. “Is that what we are doing today? Talking about sex like teenagers”
Uncle Lanre laughed as well. He told them what he had come across and he wanted to know if a woman tying a wrapper in her house was less sexy than the one wearing bum shorts.
Trust Joe. He was the first to jump in.
“NOTHING and I repeat NOTHING is more inviting that a woman moving around with only a wrapper.”
“These small clothes they talk about are interesting but in a way, they leave nothing to anticipate. Food on a table is more mouth-watering when you have been tantalized by the aroma of it cooking.”
Uncle Lanre and Tunde hi fived him.
“That wrapper is something else. First of all, it keeps untying. How many times does a woman keep tucking the edge in when she is wearing it? It is like I will fall…I will fall…I am falling and she catches in the nick of time. Then she holds the top covering herself fully and flaps over it with the other end. They will tie and retie that wrapper one thousand times and you will not see shishi.”
Tunde jumped in.
“And they rarely wear any other thing under that wrapper.”
“Exactly” Uncle Lanre exclaimed.
“The wrapper leaves nothing to the imagination and leaves everything to the imagination at the same time. With those shorts, you are able to tell exactly how the back is shaped, even how the front is defined. The wrapper tortures you. The full swing of the nyash is unhindered without any fabric restraining it. Each section of the buttocks is moving to a different rhythm. And strangely both are still in sync with each other.”
Tunde was geared up.
“And when the woman bends, you see the line that separates her bakassi and you wonder to yourself, will the wrapper go in or not. And then she gets up with those cheeks grabbing part of the wrapper. Sometimes she does not even notice sef.”
They were all in stiches, coughing and laughing.
“But let me tell you the best part of this whole seductive arrangement. Nothing is contrived. The woman wearing only a wrapper is not trying to be sexy. She even thinks she is not. She is busy wobbling in all directions trying to care for the house. She is seducing without putting on any sexy air. Not like the woman with bum shorts that will be walking around like Betty Boop and speaking as though Eartha Kitt is singing Santa baby or how Marilyn Monroe sang happy birthday to JFK.”
Trust Joe to always make American cultural references.
Tunde shook his head vigorously.
“That is not the best part.”
They waited curious to know what he thought was the best.
“Wrapper is the easiest thing to remove. You just do like this….fyam, food don ready.”
He did a quick pulling motion to demonstrate yanking a wrapper off a woman.
They had another round of hearty laughter and coughing.
“Lanre, you need to go to the next marriage preparation class and educate them properly. No wonder they are having two two children these days. Dem no sabi.”
“That two two children, Buhari also get hand.” Uncle Lanre quipped and some more laughter followed.
Dear readers, why am I sharing my fictional uncle Lanre’s story? I put it to you, that wrappers are sexier than bum shorts. In a wrap (get it?), the wrapper has it all. Suspense, intrigue, definition, promise and accessibility. Argue with Uncle Lanre and his generation…
