Thoughts on domestic violence
Many people expressed sadness when they heard that Osinachi Nwachukwu, the gospel artist who sang the popular “Ekwueme” song, had died of throat cancer: she was so young and promising. Many people shared stories of how they had been blessed through her music ministrations.
Not long after the news of her death broke, some people started making allegations about the nature of her death. It was said that her husband had beaten her so much that she fell into a state of coma, and eventually died in the hospital. Reports also alleged that she had endured her husband’s beating for many years in their marriage. Interviews were given by her mother and sister further confirming the allegations as they shared details regarding the nature of the late singer’s troubled marriage.
Osinachi’s story is not unique. It has been estimated that approximately one in every three women has experienced or currently experiences domestic violence. We have all heard stories through the media, even if we have not experienced it. The Lagos State Government, as a testament to how widespread the issue had become, had to establish the Domestic and Sexual Violence Response Team (DSVRT) to tackle all related issues.
According to the United Nations, domestic violence (also termed domestic abuse or intimate partner violence) is defined as a pattern of behaviour in any relationship that is used to gain or maintain power and control over an intimate partner. Canada’s Violence Prevention Initiative provides seven different ways by which abuse can occur. These include physical, sexual, emotional, psychological, cultural, spiritual, verbal, financial, and neglect. No one is immune to domestic violence as it is not a respecter of race, age, gender, religion, or educational or economic status. It is also not limited to married couples as people in relationships can experience it.
Sadly, many abused people do not tell anyone, choosing to cover up and endure for various reasons varying from ignorance of their rights as human beings to accepting such acts as normal parts of a relationship, especially a marital relationship. Other reasons could be fear of their spouse’s reaction, protecting the spouse and family from perceived public scorn, not having anyone to confide in, and not trusting that family and friends would believe them. There is also the reluctance of law enforcement officials to investigate reports and the perceived inefficiencies in the legal process to seek redress for victims.
Many people often ask why people remain in abusive relationships. It seems so clear from the outside that an abused person should be able to either retaliate, defend oneself, or leave the relationship. Why do so many abused people choose to stay or even return to those relationships after leaving? I recall a conversation I had with a guy and his female friend many years ago when we were teenagers. The girl told us about a fight she had with her boyfriend resulting in him pushing her out of his moving car. I was shocked but what stunned me the most was when she said “but I still love him”. I could not imagine how she could even continue speaking with or loving someone who had almost killed her.
This love of a matter, or should I say how love is interpreted by many people, has caused many troubles. I have heard some people say that some form of violence must exist in a relationship as this proves their partner loves them. Some others are quick to forgive and excuse acts of violence believing that their partner will change. And some also believe that staying in an abusive home is an opportunity to provide a complete family unit for their children. But aren’t these dysfunctional types of love?
I believe that there are more nuanced reasons why people remain in abusive relationships, and these could be economic, cultural, or religious.
- Economic reasons: many women are dependent on their husbands to a large extent (though this is changing gradually). In such situations, the wife realises that she may be unable to provide adequately for the children if she leaves the relationship with them. The fear is that the husband could be irresponsible enough to decide not to cater for the children should they not be under his roof. Were she to leave the children behind, there is also the concern that the husband would not be able to provide for their total needs.
- Cultural reasons: the same type of pressure people face to get married is probably the same type of pressure they experience to stay married, as separation and divorce are often frowned on by many people. Women especially consider how they will be viewed as society is more lenient with separated/ divorced men. Whilst a man can quickly begin a new relationship, a woman in a similar situation would often be judged, after all, wasn’t her divorce just finalised last year?
- Religious reasons: some people are quick to say that God hates divorce, and this could influence their decision to remain in an abusive situation. In some other cases, practices by many religious groups could be unfair to people who are either separated or divorced as they could be denied certain privileges or opportunities. Whilst religion is a delicate topic because it speaks to the very core of what many people believe, the question is, if God hates divorce, does He love abuse?
Leaving an abusive relationship is never an easy decision as there are often many considerations. Unfortunately, many people in such situations forget to put themselves first and would rather consider how their decision to exit such relationships would impact other people. By this time, after continuously experiencing abuse, their psyche has most likely been severely damaged, and they would need a lot of emotional support and counselling.
What can we do to reduce these domestic violence cases? Primarily, we must model the values that we want to see our children display as many abusive people learnt their behaviour from home. The onus lies on parents to bring up their children as human beings first before treating them as either male or female.
Children must be exposed to the same developmental opportunities irrespective of their gender. They should also learn to understand the challenges the other gender faces. Boys and girls should be exposed to the same types of conversations and activities. Sons and daughters must be taught that abuse in any form is never a response to an issue. They must also be taught that they are valuable and have self-worth.
We all have a lot of work to do in changing the narrative. We can first start by being more discerning so that when we observe acts of domestic violence, we can stand up for and support the victim. We can also support people who have left abusive relationships by discarding unfavourable cultural and religious dictates. We ought to treat people the same way we would love to be treated. Let us be more human, and show more love: this is the way I see things today.
Nice article and I agree there are a myriad of reasons why people stay in abusive relationships. However I think they stem far deeper then we care to analyse.
A lot of people like you rightly pointed out start enduring this abuse from their youth. Some have seen some form of abuse at home and in their endeavour to escape that they cling on to whatever form of appreciation or attention paid to them. Similar to joining a gang one might say.
As many have observed abuse in society or at home, they begin to see it as the norm, over looking the little episodes empowering the abuser to go further.
Nigeria as a whole has accepted and normalised domestic violence. From the way some fathers speak to their wives, male teachers to female teacher boys to girls. We see it as we head to work or school. The female hawker being physically, verbally and sexually abused on the street. Gosh it is everywhere when you think about it. Even in government.
Like most things in Nigeria, if ee want change we have to start with a long, deep hard look at ourselves and our actions.
There’s something called stockolm syndrome. The abused becomes dependant on the abuser for a sense of worth and can’t imagine life without their abuser. It’s a psychological issue. People sometimes mistake madness for love