She asked for a meeting with me, and when she arrived, she was a sorry sight. She and her husband had been married for 15 years. They had met when she was 18 and he was 22 and married seven years into the relationship. Things went well the first 10 years of the marriage. They had three children and had both moved up in their careers and then the cracks began to show. Her husband, whom she could have sworn had not dated other women while they were together and even in the early days of their marriage, began having affairs, keeping secrets about his whereabouts, and failing to meet his financial obligations both at home and in his business.
Stories started to seep to her about the fact that her husband was highly dysfunctional at work as a result of substance abuse and that he may have another family. He was her first love and his behaviour was totally at odds with the values they had both subscribed to and which she lived by. As she sobbed, she wavered between three options, the first was to go public (he had a considerable following on social media) denouncing and shaming him so he could feel the embarrassment she felt, the second was to divorce him quietly and walk away and the third was to do whatever she could to save her marriage.
I told her that in all marriages, despite the best efforts of both parties, things go south and that when it happens, emotions run high, so what she was feeling was normal and she had a right to feel that way because she had been betrayed. I advised that it was not the right time to make decisions that she may later regret and told her to sit with her feelings, take a critical assessment of the relationship and options she was considering, pinpoint what she really wanted and thereafter make her decisions based not on her feelings but on what was best for her and her young children whom they both owed a duty to protect.I specifically advised her not to go public, as doing so would tarnish not only her husband but also herself and their children.
The recent saga between 2Baba (Innocent Idibia) and his wife, Annie Idibia, is a perfect example of how marriages can become messy in the public eye.
So, what should one do when a marriage starts to fall apart? Whether you’re in the public eye or not, the steps to handling a troubled marriage remain the same.
Let’s break it down.
Acknowledge the problem
The first step in dealing with a failing marriage is to acknowledge that there is a problem. If your marriage is in trouble, sit down and honestly assess the situation. What is wrong? Is it infidelity, a breakdown in communication, financial stress or emotional neglect? What part has each party played in the state of affairs? Whatever it is, you cannot fix a problem you refuse to admit exists. Many couples live in denial, hoping that things will magically fix themselves. This only leads to further resentment. Annie, for example, has been open about her pain regarding 2Baba’s past relationships and the children he had with other women before and during their relationship and it is clear that unresolved issues from the past still haunt their marriage.
Keep it private
One of the biggest mistakes people make when their marriage is going south is airing their grievances in public. Social media has made it easy for people to vent their frustrations at the click of a button, but that often worsens the situation. The only thing it does really is to provide entertainment for the so-called “online in-laws”and provide unnecessary scrutiny into one’s life. If you are struggling in your marriage, resist the urge to seek validation from social media or outsiders who do not have the full picture. Instead, talk to a trusted friend, a mentor or a professional who can offer sound advice. Once your issues become public, you lose control of the narrative, and the court of public opinion is brutal.
Seek professional help
When things start to spiral, couples often try to fix things on their own. While that can work in some cases, professional help is often necessary. Marriage counselling can provide a safe space for both partners to express their feelings, understand each other’s perspectives and work towards a shared solution. A neutral third party, such as a therapist or marriage coach, can offer strategies to rebuild trust and improve communication.
Avoid playing the blame game
When a marriage is failing, it’s easy to point fingers. One partner blames the other for not trying hard enough, while the other may blame past mistakes. However, the blame game only leads to more resentment and prevents real healing. Instead of focusing on what went wrong and who is at fault, shift your focus to what can be done to make things better. Can trust be rebuilt? Can communication improve? Is there still love worth fighting for? If the answer to these questions is yes, then work towards solutions rather than pointing fingers.
Decide if the marriage is worth saving
Not every marriage can or should be saved. Some relationships are so broken that staying together only leads to more pain. If both partners are willing to work through their issues, then reconciliation is possible. However, if one or both partners are no longer willing to put in the effort, it may be time to walk away.For Annie and 2Baba, their love seems to be one of deep emotional highs and painful lows. They have chosen to stay together despite their challenges, which means they believe their marriage is worth fighting for. However, not everyone has the same level of patience or emotional resilience. If staying in the marriage is damaging to your mental health, self-esteem, or overall well-being, then it might be time to consider separation.
Set boundaries
A crucial aspect of dealing with a troubled marriage is setting boundaries—both emotional and physical. If infidelity has been a problem, what steps will be taken to prevent it from happening again? If emotional outbursts are common, how will conflicts be managed differently? Setting clear boundaries on what is acceptable and what is not can help redefine the relationship. If those boundaries are repeatedly crossed, then it may be time to reevaluate the future of the marriage.
Focus on self-care
When a marriage is in crisis, it is easy to lose yourself in the chaos. Many people become consumed with fixing their relationship and forget to take care of themselves. Regardless of how your marriage is going, always prioritize your well-being. Engage in activities that bring you peace—exercise, meditation, reading, spending time with friends, or pursuing hobbies. A failing marriage should not mean the end of your happiness.
Prepare for all possible outcomes
While the hope is always to fix a struggling marriage, it is also important to prepare for the possibility that it may end. This does not mean giving up but being realistic. If things do not improve despite your best efforts, what is your exit plan? Financial independence, emotional preparedness, and legal awareness are crucial. Many people stay in unhappy marriages because they fear the unknown. However, being prepared for the possibility of separation gives you the confidence to make decisions that are in your best interest.
Protect your children (if any)
If children are involved, their well-being should be a top priority. Marital conflicts can be deeply damaging to children, especially if they witness constant fights or emotional breakdowns.Regardless of the state of the marriage, both parents should remain committed to providing a stable and loving environment for their kids.
Keep the future in mind
Whether the marriage survives or ends, always think long-term. Where do you see yourself in five or ten years? Also if you have children, remember that for their sake you will have opportunities to meet and make decisions for their benefit in the future. If staying in the marriage aligns with your vision for a happy and fulfilling life, then fight for it. If leaving gives you a better chance at peace, then take that step.
When a marriage goes south, the way you handle it can make all the difference. Love alone is not enough to sustain a marriage. It takes trust, communication, respect, and mutual effort and whether you choose to fight for it or walk away, the key is to handle it with wisdom, dignity, and self-respect. At the end of the day, marriage is a partnership, not a prison. If it no longer serves you, it’s okay to let go. If there’s still something worth saving and both parties are committed to saving it , put in the work. The choice is yours.