If there is one concept that irks me and that I feel strongly and deeply about, it’s the idea of one human owning another or thinking they are superior to another because of their race, religion, tribe, gender, age or wealth. It’s the idea that because I am in a relationship with you, you own me and want to control me. It’s the idea that because I am your spiritual or nurtural ward, you have a final say in all that goes on in my life.
I have always hated a possessive partner, someone who wants to know where I am and what I am doing at every minute of the hour, someone who is so insecure that he needs to assert his dominance over me to feel complete and I thank God that in all of my romantic relationships, no partner of mine has ever attempted to foist a sense of ownership over me.
Oppressors rationalise their tendency to control others for seemingly societal reasons -religion, race, gender, or social standing but at the root of control are insecurities, fear and deep emotional and mental issues. Ownership of a person through slavery has long since been abolished, but we still see it in so many variants in our world today .
-The claim to ownership of our spouses and children or people that work for us
.-The ownership of the poor that we help.
-The ownership and subtle control over the lives of people that we have a “spiritual” leadership over.
I always wonder at the audacity of the madam who badly beats up a child farmed off to live with her- the “richer” relative over some minor infraction, the pompous behaviour of the spiritual father and religious leader who uses the excuse that God will require that he gives an account of the people he has spiritual authority over to control and manipulate his flock, I shake my head in disbelief and shock when I hear and read of men who insist that their wives give them their paycheck because they got them the job or trained them or men who believe that because they are married to a woman they have total control over her, what she does, where she goes and who she speaks to including her family members etc. and I wonder sometimes when I see bereaved people who find it difficult to continue after the death of a loved one, if their anger at death stems from a sense of ownership over the deceased. Can a person truly own another? My answer is a big NO and my answer remains true even in situations where people were made slaves and were owned by others whether through wars or poverty. My answer is a big NO even though such ownerships were and may be justified by legal, cultural, and religious beliefs. I still cannot get over the fact that people took their slaves to church and worshipped him on the first floor while their slaves stayed in the basements and they still believed themselves to be serving a God who died for the whole world including their slaves.
The idea of ownership in relationships is harmful both to the person who is “owned” because it reduces them to objects, denying them autonomy and dignity and to those who “own” because it opens the door to abuse, exploitation, and oppression and removes the concept of healthy boundaries in the relationship.
The truth is, that you cannot own anyone not even if you gave birth to them or you bought them. The human spirit can never be owned by other and chaffs against being controlled by another human being and I find it very heartwarming that God who we all worship in some form or the other has given all of mankind the privilege of choice and that although he can be said to own us he never exercises his ownership over us forcefully. If God does not own anyone why do we think we can or should? Why should we promote concepts and ideas that reinforce the idea that people have a right of ownership over the other. Why are women considered the property of their fathers until marriage, at which point their “ownership” is transferred to their husbands. Why would the NDLEA website carry a condition on visa clearance stating that for visa processing to some countries, married women are required to bring a letter of approval from their husbands with his passport photograph attached without demanding the same from married men.
Thankfully, the agency has put out a statement that the condition is being reviewed. In theory most people recognize marriage as a partnership of equals with both parties sharing rights and responsibilities. But in practice in Nigeria and many parts of the world, the perception that a wife “belongs” to her husband persists. This belief is what supports domestic violence, emotional manipulation, cruelty and economic dependency in many cases stripping the woman of her agency and personhood. I practice family law and it is so disheartening to see people who think they own others merely because they bear their name and live under their roofs.
What is true of marriage is also true of parenting. We DO NOT own our children. We are responsible for raising, protecting and guiding them especially in their younger years but we must understand that there is a difference between guidance and ownership. Too often, parents assert complete control over their children’s lives, believing they have the right to dictate their children’s futures, choices, personalities and emotional makeup. Children are individuals, not extensions of their parents and when we stamp our ownership over them without a care for their opinions and uniqueness they will rebel. We do not own anything, even ourselves, even though we think so or who amongst us can wake ourselves up from the sleep of death, who can determine which of life’s challenges must come or not come our way. We do not own all that we possess. We use them and leave them for the next people that will have proprietary rights over them who will also in turn leave them behind when they leave. Why would a person be desirous of owning a spirit, notwithstanding how broken or unhappy they may be by our owning them? What makes us willing to degrade or denigrate another to show that they belong to us?
Why do we want to hang on to someone who clearly does not want us in their lives because we gave birth to them, paid their dowry , slept with them or spent our resources, time and affections on them? Relationships are meant to be built Not on power and control but rather on mutual respect and shared humanity. The desire to own someone is downright evil and is borne out of serious mental and emotional issues, it should not be encouraged either by individuals or the society.
