I met someone recently: a widow in her 60s who had been one for over 20 years. As we talked about life and its mysteries, she made an intriguing and revealing statement.
She said that, though she had loved her husband dearly and was sad he had died, looking back at their marriage and its trajectory, she believed that if he were still alive, they would have gone their separate ways—despite being friends with shared values.
When I left her, I mused on what she said for a while because I have often wondered if people who loved each other deeply could leave their relationship. Then I remembered a couple I met at a dinner. They had married, legally divorced, and remarried. Love is often painted as something eternal, unbreakable—a force that should conquer all. We grow up believing that if we truly love someone, we stay. We fight. We endure. But is that always true? Can we love people deeply and still walk away from them? The answer is not as simple as we’d like it to be.
Life has taught me that love and presence are not always intertwined. There are times when love demands that we leave, for our own sake, for the sake of the other person, or simply because life’s circumstances make staying impossible. Love is not just about proximity; it’s about intention, care, and sometimes, knowing when to let go and there are many reasons people leave those they love. Some are practical, some emotional, and some spiritual. It could be due to toxicity, irreconcilable differences, or even a deep understanding that the relationship—whether romantic, platonic, or familial—is no longer serving its purpose.
Love should bring joy, peace, and growth. But sometimes, love coexists with pain. This is often seen in abusive relationships where one partner manipulates or harms the other emotionally, physically, or psychologically. Many people stay because they love the person, believing they can change them. But love is not supposed to be a battlefield where one fights to be respected or valued. Leaving in such cases is an act of self-preservation, not a betrayal of love.
Love doesn’t always mean forever. People grow, evolve, and sometimes, that growth takes them down different paths. Two people who once fit perfectly may find themselves misaligned years later. A woman who marries a man with a shared vision may find, decades later, that her soul craves something different or that their visions no longer align. Friendships that once felt inseparable may become strained when values or priorities shift. A side chick who has fallen in love with her lover may let him go because his family needs him more. It’s not that love disappears—it’s that love recognizes when staying means stifling growth.
There are times when staying in someone’s life hinders their growth. Parents, for example, love their children deeply but must release them into the world at some point. A person in a relationship may realize they are holding their partner back from their full potential. Love isn’t always about possession; sometimes, the purest form of love is the one that sets the other person free.
Life is unpredictable. Sometimes, love is severed by circumstances beyond control—migration, career changes, illness, or even death. A couple in a long-distance relationship may find that despite loving each other, the distance is eroding their connection. A person may need to leave their family to seek a better life elsewhere. Love remains, but presence becomes impossible.
Does Leaving Mean the Love Wasn’t Real?
Many struggle with guilt when they leave people they love. Society often reinforces this guilt, especially in cultures where duty is prioritized over personal well-being. A woman who walks away from a toxic marriage is normally seen as selfish. A child who distances themselves from a controlling parent is labeled ungrateful. But does leaving erase the love that once existed? No.
Love is not measured by endurance alone. Staying in an unhealthy situation does not prove love, just as leaving does not negate it. In fact, sometimes, leaving is the greatest act of love—toward yourself and even toward the other person. A woman who leaves an abusive partner is choosing to love herself enough to seek peace. A friend who steps away from a one-sided friendship is choosing to love themselves enough to demand reciprocity. A couple who ends their relationship amicably despite still caring for each other is choosing to love each other enough to stop forcing something that no longer works. A widow who cut ties with her in-laws may need the separation to answer her identity crisis as she is no longer a wife.
So if love remains, even in departure, is there a way to leave in a manner that honors that love? I believe so:
Firstly, communicate honestly. If possible, let the person know why you are leaving. Don’t ghost them by just disappearing. Silence creates confusion and unresolved emotions. Even if they don’t agree, explaining your reasons can provide closure for both sides.
Secondly, leave with grace, or bitterness. It’s easy to demonize people we leave—it makes it easier to walk away. But if the situation isn’t abusive, try to leave with respect and appreciation for the good times shared. Every relationship—good or bad—teaches something valuable.
Thirdly, set boundaries without guilt. If you need to distance yourself from a person, whether a friend, family member, or partner, set boundaries clearly. You do not owe constant explanations for why you need space. Sometimes, protecting your peace is reason enough.
Fourthly allow yourself to mourn the loss.Leaving someone you love is painful and society doesn’t always acknowledge that. People assume that because you chose to leave, you shouldn’t grieve. But leaving does not mean you stopped caring. It’s okay to mourn the loss, to miss them , what you had or what could have been and to still hold love for them in your heart.
One of the biggest reasons people stay in unhappy or harmful relationships is societal pressure. The idea that love must endure no matter what, has trapped many people in situations they should have left long ago. Love should not be measured by how much suffering one can endure and we need to move away from narratives that glorify staying in toxic situations as proof of love. Whether it’s divorce, ending friendships, or distancing from family, we need safe spaces for people to talk about their choices without fear of judgment.
Many people cling to unhealthy relationships because they have not been taught that they can exist outside of them. If we encourage self-sufficiency, self-love, and emotional resilience from an early age, fewer people will feel trapped in relationships they have outgrown.
So, can we truly love people and leave them? Yes. Love is complex, fluid, and sometimes, its greatest expression is knowing when to walk away. Leaving does not mean we never loved. It means we have chosen to honor ourselves, our growth, and sometimes even the other person, by recognizing that love alone is not always enough to make something work. True love is not about chaining people to us. It is about wanting the best for them, even if that best is found elsewhere. And sometimes, the most profound love we can show is the one that lets go.
Love comes in many forms, and changes severally during our lifetime.When we broaden our understanding of love, we will stop fearing its transitions.