I was speaking with some friends a while back and whilst talking it dawned on me that the reason why I had a need to be in control when it came to certain areas of my life was because I hate suspense and unpredictability. It’s the reason why I don’t like surprises, why I don’t watch thrillers or football, why I like driving myself, why I can’t sleep or unwind although I take sleeping pills to relax me when I am in a plane or ship even though it’s for long stretches of hours. It’s the reason why I am never at ease if I go to an area where hostilities break out frequently.
My fear of unpredictability is so consuming that it affects my relationship with God. Although I can say he is the safest place I know and have, I confess that I am wont to keep him at arm’s length in some areas of my life because one can never be sure what he will ask of one at any point in time. I have learned overtime though, that although God’s ways are varied and unpredictable, his character is fixed and therein lies my assurance.
Beyond one’s creator, it is imperative that we find safe places in our other relationships whether or not they are amorous. Unfortunately, being human it is difficult to cultivate relationships in which we can feel safe and be vulnerable.
A safe place is defined as a place where one can be themselves, share one’s emotions, and feel secure without fear of judgment, shame, hurt, rejection or repercussions. It’s the environment in which we can disagree without fear, where we can share our dissatisfaction about things such as sexual fulfillment, fears, disillusionment and where we can disagree without it turning into a major production. It’s knowing that you are safe enough to say it as it is without shaming, blaming, curses etc.
A safe place should have boundaries, it is not a place where anything goes, where parties can abuse one another in the name of being free. I saw a skit awhile back, where the couple abused each other starting from name calling, abuses on their respective parents and families and finally degenerating to curses. I was greatly amazed when midway into the abuse, they looked at each other with desire in their eyes and started to kiss one another. I couldn’t reconcile the sudden change in their emotions and behavior towards each other and whilst I understand that some people are wired in that way, there is no way anyone can feel safe and at ease with someone who abuses and curses them or their loved ones, nor will anyone feel safe with someone who abuses them emotionally or physically.
Creating a safe place in relationships involves the ability to listen without judgment. The most common reasons why our partners refuse to share personal stuff with us is either because they will be misunderstood which will contribute negatively to the relationship, so in their thinking, it’s better they keep quiet and go with the flow or because their concerns may be ridiculed as being of non-importance or dismissed as being untrue or as a result of paranoia.
Being a safe place involves listening with the intent to hear the person, understanding their feelings no matter how they may sound to us, it involves the usage of the words “we” e.g we are in this together, “I want to understand how you feel”, “I need you to explain what you mean”. It involves being trustworthy both with information and in one’s actions-men especially shy away from telling their partners personal things about them because they are not sure she wouldn’t share them with her friends and families. It implies that one will not take advantage of their partner’s vulnerability or expose them to ridicule, will keep their secrets and not allow their confessions to determine one’s behavior towards them.
A safe place is not a place where one is told repeatedly that the other party can leave them or that they should leave. It is not a place where the past is always dredged up when the present situation is being discussed, it’s not a place where one’s accomplishments are belittled or overlooked, where the response to one’s attempts to share is to become defensive or angry.
As Erin Folletto Casali puts it safe spaces aren’t beautiful spaces: they are spaces where other humans can express their joys, worries, struggles and emotions. They are raw, a beautiful rawness. It is asymmetrical in nature being that one person does the work in creating the safe place, the other opens themselves and walks into it and vice versa.
If you find yourself wondering why your partner is not sharing freely with you, why they have shut down and choose not to discuss their issues with you, rather than berate them, you may want to ask yourself what you are doing or not doing that makes them uncomfortable to open up to you. It just may be because they do not feel safe with you, that they do not think you will understand the issues they are bringing up and that you may take things overly personal without being objective. It may be that they fear that what they tell you in secret will be spread amongst your friends and families. It may be the fact that you may erupt in anger, unable to calmly process information and it may also be that you jump in too early to offer advice or your own viewpoint.
As is with the relationship we have with God, it is possible for someone to be a safe place, and for us to be hesitant to take advantage of what they have to offer, basically because we have trust issues, are unwilling to be honest with ourselves and be vulnerable. So, if you are asking yourself why there is no one you can be vulnerable with, look inward before looking around. It just may be that you have safe places that you have shunned because you have refused to open yourself up because of your own insecurities.
In a dog-eat-dog world, where confidentiality is rare, we all need safe spaces, aside from looking for safe spaces for ourselves, let’s decide to be a safe place for someone, let give them the gift to be free, to come to us without judgment, to unburden their souls, to be heard.