I am a people pleaser. I do not know whether it is because of my birth order or my personality, but I do not like fighting with people. That is not to say that when a fight comes I turn away or do not tell people my mind. It’s just that it takes me a while to do so because I have a basic principle that guides me in every fight I take on and it’s that I must be adjudged to be right.
The recent arrest of Dele Farotimi on cyber bullying charges has left a bitter taste in my mouth. There is no doubt that he wrote things that can be termed as being libelous against Chief Afe Babalola and there is also no question of the fact that Chief Babalola has a right to seek redress. In my opinion and that of a majority of people, it is the manner that he has sought to take his pound of flesh that has caused the public uproar and ironically, further disrespect to his person.
Seeking to address a wrong without facing backlash for one’s actions requires a thoughtful and strategic approach. There is a way to fight that even though you are in the right, you will be blamed and there is a way you fight that will vindicate you even though you are in the wrong. I have found that following the steps listed below I get justice for wrongs done to me whilst keeping my integrity instead of focusing on revenge which can often lead to unintended consequences and tarnish my reputation.
1. Clarify your motives: I always reflect on why I want to address the wrong and what I want to achieve. Is it to restore fairness, defend my reputation, or teach someone a lesson? Ensuring my motives are just and not driven solely by anger or ego helps me avoid actions that might backfire. I always caution my clients during litigation and especially during cross examination that the duty of the cross examiner is to distract one so that they forget about their case and chase minor details or to get one to agree with their opponent. The choice is always theirs- five minutes of infamy or the orders they seek.
2. Stay calm and composed: If there is anything that can detract one from being focused, it is giving free rein to one’s emotions. I never fight when I am still angry about stuff because when I do, I will most likely take actions that I will not be proud of in the future. Sitting back to ponder on one’s actions or even talking things over with a trusted friend can help one look beyond emotions and fashion out a path for justice or retribution.
3. Choose the high road: I never take the laws into my hands. No roforofo fighting. No if they go low, we go lower mantras. If the wrong involves an ethical or legal violation, I will consult a lawyer and pursue justice through legal means. If the wrong was made in the workplace I will use proper reporting channels and document evidence to protect myself from counter-accusations.
4. Control the narrative: I always control the narrative and endear myself to the people that matter. I don’t have to tell the story but when I do it is always in such a way that people will agree with my side of the story. I make sure I tell my story factually, truthfully, convincingly and powerfully with receipts. I never let the other party control the narrative otherwise it might take a while before my side of the story is heard and by then people’s interest may have waned. My advice is – always tell your story and as much as it is possible, tell it yourself.
5. Use social leverage wisely: We live in a social village and if the wrong affects others, I bring the issue to public attention—being careful to focus on the facts by presenting verifiable facts without embellishment. In my speech I will be sure to avoid emotional outbursts, maintain dignity and avoid a smear campaign. I will always strive to let others see the wrongdoer’s behaviour for what it is, without making it look like a personal vendetta.
6. Do the right thing even in the face of the wrong: I always tell men that when they fight with their wives, they should never stop paying their children school fees for the following important reasons-(a) the children shouldn’t be made to pay for whatever is between them and their wives (b) they will look good and avoid being labelled “irresponsible”in the sight of the law, family members and the society. This principle works across all relationships. If you have a fight with your parents – greet them, do the things you should do as a child otherwise they will capitalise on your wrongs and their own actions which resulted in your action will be swept under the carpet.
7. Be patient: It’s always easier to take laws into one’s hands but as they say, the wheels of justice grind slowly but surely. You may have to make sacrifices and may even be seen to be taken for granted as you give the person several opportunities to redeem themselves, but when you do act, it will be noted that you did your best to salvage the situation.
I know that for some people all I have written may be hogwash for how can they show their person, status and connections in a fight if they don’t employ every weapon in their arsenal? But true justice is different from revenge which, if mishandled, can spiral into a cycle of negativity that damages one’s reputation or peace of mind. By choosing integrity and strategic action, you right the wrong without becoming the villain in the story and that my brethren is how to fight.
Wow, well articulated dear Tara. Lack of patience faults one’s right. We must be guided always. Thanks Omo-T