I grew up as a church boy.
I was an altar boy in my primary school and by the time I got into secondary school, I had become a born again Christian; a jimjim brother.
However, I became a proper jaiye jaiye boy when I returned to Nigeria from the UK after going for my Masters. Before then, I worked in a Bank and was married with two kids but when I came from the UK, everything changed for me. I saw life in a new light and I felt I had been shortchanged.
Not only did I become the toast of my bosses at the bank when I returned; I was also smart, I was the sharp boy who could solve problems, the one with the big ideas, the one who helped the bank nail two big government accounts. I had all of these in me before my travel, I guess but it didnโt manifest until after.
Then I got promoted to be a branch manager; that was when I really ja! I can look back now and say, yes, that for me was the turning point! I abandoned my jimjim-ness and let the girls have their way with me.
At home; we were SUโฆyeahhh; my wife and I. We met at the fellowship on campus; as believers, we didnโt consummate our relationship until we got married; in fact, before my marriage, there was only one relationship I had, serious o. I was a good boy, I swear.
Anyway, my wife didnโt suspect anything about my double life; She ran her own company at that time and it was very profitable, so profitable that, she sponsored my studies to the UK to the tune of N12million back then in 2006โฆhaha, yes o. Good woman.
She also built the house we lived in at Yaba at that time. We were still a very young couple but she was such a driven person; such a goal oriented person. Though I supported a bit when we were building the house but she was the money maker of the family, you know, she was into property
Ok, so, like I said, my wife didnโt notice any changes in me except that she said I dressed differently, you know as a yuppie banker and bobo about town, I wore sharp suits, fine shirts, shoes, nko? Loake ankle lenght shoes and super brogues from Land of Plenty.
Forget o. My perfumesโฆforget.
See, when a girl wants you, forget it, she will have you! And me, I had tasted the forbidden apple and I wanted more. So, hereโs the thing, even if I didnโt want anymore, these small, small banker girls wearing tight skirts and pushing their boobs up their faces would not let me be.
Madam was busy with raising our three kids and running her business and ensuring our home remained a haven for lost souls. Did I forget to mention that we were workers in our local church? I was also to be ordained a pastorโฆ
Then one day, madam accused me of neglect. I couldnโt defend myself with the usual, โI am working to put a roof over your heads because,โ we lived in our own house; my wife was responsible for more that 60% of the expenses in the home, including school fees and it wasnโt as if I couldnโt afford to pay, she was just doing over sabi; I swear, so I left her, shebi she has money, ehen, let her keep paying.
After that accusation, I found a way to sit home a few odd weekendsโฆin the course of these, she became pregnant again.
See, I didnโt want a fourth child, I already had two boys and a girl, what more did we need? We were living fine; holidayed abroad, lived in our own house, her business and my job were thriving but she had to get pregnant to hold me downโฆI would not be held down, in fact, that was when I began to go out more.
Thatโs the mistake women make and they never stop making the same mistake; you canโt hold a man down with pregnancy. You will be the one to carry it for 9 months, breastfeed it for the next 2-3 years; nurture it and ensure it gets educated for another 18-20 yearsโฆa baby is not just a 9 monthโs affair, itโs a 25 years investment! At the minimum.
I got entangled with one girl that was yellow like red pepper. I fell for herโฆaje nโgbo!
The girl came to serve at our branch; and I retained her as a full staff afterwards. I knew I was finally lost because I told myself, โTi o ba ri elemu, ha, ti e ti tan.โ
I began to date this girl and poured my soul into her. I would lie to my wife even on Sundays after church that I was visiting families that were bereaved or going for visitation for church and I would go to that girl; I would lie that we had trainings on Saturdays and would end up between that girlโs thighs.
One day I woke up in the middle of the night; actually, something woke me up, I felt a shrinking sensation on my manhood. You know when you see something that frightens youโฆI thought, maybe I was dreaming, so I just reached down to touch myself and reassure myself that it was a dream…behold it had disappeared!
I flung the cover away and felt myself again, wondering, ‘What kind of rough play is this?’ because my wife and I, we usually sleep naked, I rushed to the bathroom to put on the light and see things for myself.
Mo gbe!
My penis was gone! I looked down, empty forest! I put my hands on it, only bush…
Ha, te mi ba mi! My own was finished!
‘Funke!’ You sabi those boys on instagram? That’s how I screamed.
I felt my head swell as my feet became ice and my heart was forcing itself out of my chest; this is death. Jesus!!
I screamed, screamed like a school girl that saw a snake; my wife woke up and dashed to the door in fear… I said, โIyabo,” – that’s my wife’s name – “you are snoring while your husbandโs life is gone!”
My wife thought we were being robbed or something, she was still mumbling nonsense from sleep, I shouted again, โIyabo, my penis is gone, wan ti gbe mi lโomo lo!โ (they have stolen my child away)
You are laughing? It wasnโt funny that night.
At this time, I had switched on our bedroom lights, full blast so my wife could see the calamity that had befallen us.
Maybe it was the sudden lights or maybe it was because she just woke up but my wife kept her eyes dimmed and was asking foolish questions, “What happened? what is wrong with you?”
Wan ti gbe mi lโomo lo!โ (they have stolen my child away) I kept repeating.
My heart was beating so fast, my head was spinning, my eyes must have turned red because my wife later told me I looked wild.
When it dawned on her that we were in trouble, she began to bind and loose the devilโs hold on me, as for me, I couldnโt pray. I was just saying, ‘Olorun gba mi!’ Lord save me! She insisted we didn’t tell anybody because me, I was ready to call our pastor and confess.
This happened around 2am.
My sister, this one you are laughing. I didnโt laugh o, laugh ke?
I began to confess to my wife because I thought I would die that night.
I told her I had been seeing one girl in the office. I went to see her the previous night and she had insisted that I should eat fried fish even though I was not hungry.
So, I ate and after I finished, we had sexโฆ
I begged my wife to forgive me, I told her I knew I was being punished for my sins; yes, what I had on me was a stub, like an infant boy’s penis. I swear, it just disappeared in my bush, you couldn’t even see it unless I touched it! smaller than my smallest finger!
Where did it go? How do I know?
My sister, the following morning, my wife called a friend of hers who said we should go to the mountain to pray… they prayed…it was die! Die! Die! My penis didnโt return o. We fasted three days and nights, no water, no food, dry fastingโฆko ran o. I mean it didnโt workโฆuntil, let me cut my story short. It returned, fully, six months later with fervent fasting and prayer.
As for the girl, she just disappeared. She didnโt return to the bank after the disappearing act. She left all her belongings behind and we could never trace her, even to the house she lived, nobody saw her again!
Me? I am back to form, my ‘guy’ grew back. I am now a happily married man with four kids and a loving wife; I go to work and come back and never go where my wife would not follow meโฆhunhm!
Once stolen, now precious.
(Series written and edited by Peju Akande and based on true stories)