We live in a world that loves to apologise. From celebrities caught in scandals to politicians caught in lies, to partners caught in betrayal, apologies have become a kind of social currency. Sometimes they are genuine. Often, they’re mechanical—crafted by PR teams (e.g., “Man proposes, but God disposes”). Other times, they’re grudgingly tendered, mainly because one has been caught red-handed, or mumbled as an afterthought when the damage has already been done.
But here’s the truth I’ve come to realise through life, love, and observation: apologies, while necessary, are not always sufficient.
Let’s take a moment to consider the recent JAMB (Joint Admissions and Matriculation Board) mass failure that has rocked the nation. After strident calls for a review of the results, the Registrar, Professor Is-haq Oloyede, in an unusual and deeply emotional moment, broke down in tears while publicly apologising to the nation and to the candidates for the trauma they suffered.
Now, let me pause here and say this: that took courage. In a country where public officials rarely admit to being wrong—much less cry about it—Professor Oloyede’s apology was moving and sincere. He didn’t blame staff, or technology, or miscommunication. Nor did he make any excuses. He faced the nation and said, “Sorry.”
But I couldn’t help wondering: is that apology enough to undo the damage that has been done? Will it bring succour and emotional relief to the students whose belief in their abilities has been shaken? Will it bring back to life the child who committed suicide because of her low scores? Will it placate the candidates and their families who were dragged into online debates and ridicule for rejecting their results?
In the same vein, I remembered a woman who forgave her husband after he cheated. He cried, knelt, begged, and brought both their families to plead on his behalf. She took him back, but the pain lingered. Every word he said from then on was filtered through a lens of doubt. Every late night triggered suspicion. Although he had apologised, things were no longer the same between them.
Another friend told me how her sister apologised after years of tension and passive-aggressive jabs. The apology felt good in the moment, but it didn’t undo the years of resentment, the family gatherings filled with silence, or the tears cried in secret.
The truth is that actions have consequences—whether they are done intentionally, emotionally, or in desperation—and an apology is not a reset button. It is merely an entry point into accountability. It may open the door to healing, but it does not guarantee restoration.
Saying sorry doesn’t magically erase what was done. It doesn’t remove the trauma, the betrayal, the missed opportunities, or the emotional toll. It does not rebuild trust in a moment. It cannot undo nights of crying, the loss of self-worth, the loss of peace, or the internal war between love and disappointment. And it certainly does not bring back the dead.
As a nation and a people who are often eager to say “let go and let God judge”, we must start telling ourselves and teaching our children this truth: actions have consequences even when you apologize and an apology which is given without a change in behavior and of the systems that caused the damage in the first place is no apology.
Our reality is that when the government, institutions and systems fail us, all we get is a statement tendering a profound apology without repercussions or change, yet the government expects loyalty from the citizens because it has acknowledged that a wrong was done even though most times the acknowledgment is too little, too late. This is true also in relationships whether romantic, familial, or platonic. A person messes up. They lie, cheat, disrespect, or abandon. Then they come back sometimes quickly, sometimes after a long silence with tears, with remorse and those three little words: “I am sorry.” without any change in behavior but an expectation that “ Now that I’ve said sorry, let’s move on”. Many people use apologies as escape routes and ways to avoid accountability, thinking “Once I say sorry, you should let it go.” but that’s not how life works, not if we want to build honest, meaningful, respectful relationships
Apologies should not be used to blackmail people to silence or acceptance of the wrongs done to them. Please get me right, it’s not that apologies are unimportant. In fact, I believe in the power of a genuine apology, one that is not coated with excuses, one that owns up to the hurt caused and the consequences that follow, one that says, “I know I hurt you. I know I was wrong. I know I cannot demand your forgiveness, but I’m willing to earn it.”
I think of the word “sorry” as a bridge that can create the path toward healing, but it is not the healing itself because healing requires time, changed behavior and a sincere effort to make restitution, if restitution is even possible.
And sometimes, let’s be honest, sorry doesn’t cut it.
Think of a woman who discovers her husband has had a secret child outside the marriage or a man who discovers that his “children” are not his? Can an apology undo years of deceit? What of a best friend who betrays one to gain favor in a social circle, or a colleague who spreads false rumors at work. Can one “I’m sorry” wipe that slate clean? There’s a Yoruba saying that loosely translates to: “The person who throws a stone may forget, but the one who gets hit remembers.” I carry that with me because while apologies may soothe the conscience of the offender, they often do little for the one who was offended especially when the hurt goes deep.
So what then?
Do we live in a world without forgiveness?
Do we punish everyone forever for every wrongdoing?
Not at all.
In many cases, the apology is just the beginning of a long road, one that may or may not lead back to closeness, trust, or restoration. Sometimes an apology should end in Justice for the affected. JAMB has apologized and is making amends by asking affected candidates to rewrite the exams but it must go beyond that to scrutinize its systems, fish out and punish whoever was responsible for the error that led to the system malfunction. That is justice.
Apologies should come from a place of humility, not entitlement and if we want a world where apologies mean something, then let them be preceded by truth and followed by change. Whether it’s public life, in government, in relationships, in friendship let’s normalize real accountability and genuine remorse that leads to action, correction, and restitution wherever possible, -not performative gestures, social media statements or crocodile tears.
Let’s teach our children and ourselves that actions matter, that “sorry” without change is manipulation, that you cannot abuse what someone values- be it trust, love, or opportunity and expect a simple word to fix it, that we must weigh our actions before they take them, not just regret them afterward.
Let’s stop enabling emotional blackmail disguised as remorse and understand that empathy is not the same as excusing wrongdoings and finally that an apology should not be a transaction.
It is not: “If I say sorry, you must forgive.”
It is: “I am sorry. I hope you find it in your heart to heal, even if we can’t go back to what was.”
Because saying “sorry” is just the first step and although words matter, actions matter more.Photo credit