When I was younger, I believed in formulas. Do A, get B. Study hard, succeed. Marry right, stay married. Be a good person—be treated right. Love someone well—they’ll love you back. I believed life had rules—predictable, fair rules that made sense if you followed them. I believed life was black and white, and that grey areas were a misnomer.
But as I’ve grown older, I’ve learned that life has its own rhythm, and it rarely dances to our tune. Life is a winding road—sometimes thrilling, other times exhausting—but often filled with plot twists you never see coming.
Many of us are like me. We were raised to believe we could map out our lives: go to school, get good grades, graduate, get a job, marry, have children, build a home, and then one day retire into the sunset. It’s the classic progression of life, right?
But what happens when you get laid off despite doing everything right? What happens when the person you loved and married stops loving you—or never did in the way you thought they did? What happens when illness, betrayal, or unexpected passion reroutes everything you thought was solid?
Sometimes, it’s our religion that convinces us life is predictable. The Christian faith I practice assures us repeatedly that we are a special, unique breed of people, and that evil never triumphs over the righteous. So we think that if we love God with all our hearts, attend church services, think positively, pray without ceasing, fast, confess the word of faith, and believe without wavering, things will work out just as we planned—and evil will not befall us.
But life is anything but certain. It’s full of layers, complications, nuances, and people who carry secret stories—even as they sit across from you at the dinner table.
Let’s talk about things that are difficult to swallow but necessary to confront:
- The fact that people can live double lives. Sometimes they’re not even aware they’re doing it or at least, they’re not consciously plotting it. A man can love his wife, come home every night, and still have an entire emotional universe with someone else on the side. A woman can be present in her home, raise children with love, and yet nurse a deep longing for a life she dared not choose. Is it betrayal? Yes. Is it morally wrong? Certainly. But is it always malicious? That’s where the line blurs.
- The fact that many of the Bible characters had flaws and that God used them and achieved his purpose in and through them even with their flaws and sins. Examples- Abraham told a lie to Abimelech in Egypt that Sarah was his sister to save his life. Rebecca and Jacob lied to get the blessing, David feigned madness to escape death.
- What of Love? It is never linear, never obeys the rules. People fall in love unexpectedly, inconveniently, and often, disastrously. I’ve heard stories of women who were the perfect wives, smart, supportive, beautiful, everything “right.” and yet their husbands fell in love with someone else. Sometimes not even someone “better”, just someone different. Someone who saw them in a way that felt new. Or someone who awakened something dormant in them.
I used to believe love was enough to keep people grounded, faithful, committed. But I’ve learned that love, while powerful, isn’t always a straight path. It doesn’t prevent detours, and it doesn’t guarantee that people won’t hurt each other, even when they love each other deeply.
Does that excuse betrayal? Not at all. But does it make it more understandable? Maybe. Because love is a strange force—it doesn’t always consult logic or morality before showing up at your doorstep. It can happen in the office, at church, online, or during a chance conversation at the airport and sometimes, it shakes the foundation of what seemed unshakable. It’s uncomfortable. It stretches your heart. It makes you question everything you thought you were sure of. But it also makes you human. You find yourself saying things like, “He’s a good father… but he cheated on his wife.” Or “She’s a loving wife… but she has feelings for someone else.” Or even, “I know what I said I’d never do… but now I understand why someone might.”
The truth is that we often expect people to be clear-cut—heroes or villains, faithful or unfaithful, strong or weak. But I’ve come to understand that human beings are often torn. Torn between duty and desire, between what they promised and what they feel, between who they are and who the world expects them to be and sometimes, we choose both—living parallel lives in an effort to hold on to everything, even when it’s impossible.
So what do we do with all the knowledge that life is unpredictable and people are imperfect?
We choose grace.
Grace for the woman who stays in a marriage that is killing her soul.
Grace for the man who can’t find the courage to live only one truth.
Grace for the friend who disappoints us.
Grace for ourselves when we look in the mirror and don’t recognize the person we’ve become.
And no, this doesn’t mean excusing wrongdoing or tolerating abuse. Grace doesn’t mean staying in chaos. It means choosing to see people—not just for their action but for their complexity. It means choosing compassion over condemnation and it means realizing that life -our life, is a journey we’re still learning how to walk and maybe, just maybe, we will begin to forgive not just others, but ourselves .
There’s a certain humility that comes with age. The understanding that things are rarely as simple as they seem. That good people can make terrible choices. That faithful people can fall. That we, too, are capable of things we once judged in others. We start to realize that no one is completely put together. Everyone’s a little bit messy and has chapters they don’t read out loud and in the process, we stop pointing fingers as quickly. We ask more questions, listen with less judgment and more empathy and understand that sometimes the choices people make are not just about right or wrong—they’re about survival, loneliness, fear, longing, or the weight of unmet dreams.
As I reflect on where I’ve been and where I’m going, one thing is clear: the older I get, the more I release the need for life to be tidy. I no longer need all the answers. I no longer demand that things fit into neat little boxes. I’m learning to love people in their imperfections, to admit when I’m wrong and to trust that even the messy parts of life are part of a greater design.
So if you’re reading this and you’re confused, heartbroken, or feeling like life didn’t follow the plan—take a deep breath. You’re not alone. Life isn’t about keeping yourself perfectly aligned with a plan. It’s about adapting. It’s about finding your way back when you’re lost. It’s about owning your truth, even when it doesn’t match the version of you others and yourself once believed in and sometimes, it’s about walking away from a perfect script to live a more honest story.
Life!!! It isn’t linear, it’s not black and white but it’s beautiful, worth living, and full of opportunities to start again.Photo credit