Living with betrayal trauma, the “Anikulapo” story — Tara Aisida

I watched the widely acclaimed film Anikulapo produced by Kunle Afolayan over the weekend and like many others I agree that it was a well-produced film. The cinematography was quite good, the cast, wardrobe and scenery- excellent and the dialogue was well written and translated. The storyline was predictable and lacking in intrigue but all in all it was a good movie.  

The story succinctly put is that of a love affair that went south, two people in a disadvantaged position, found an opportunity to make a life together and they went for it. The road was fraught with lots of hardship but they managed to rise above the difficulties they faced mainly because the woman was able to sense opportunities and nudged her man in the right direction. As is often the case, prosperity brought a distance between them, greed, pride and resentment found a home in their hearts. Emotions were not well handled and finally, sabotage by the one person who was pivotal to the whole story and whose interests should have been respected and honoured.

I looked up the reviews online, and on Twitter,  I wasn’t surprised to find it trending alongside Acrimony the 2018 film by Tyler Perry as the millennials cross referenced both films. Though the backgrounds of the principal characters in the two movies are substantially different, both films have at their core,  the issue of trauma caused by betrayal, the consequences of letting deep wounds fester, the power of empathy and the lack of it.

Wikipedia defines Betrayal trauma  as a  “trauma perpetrated by someone with whom the victim is close to and reliant upon for support and survival. Originally  introduced by Jennifer Freyd in 1994, betrayal trauma theory (BTT), addresses situations when people or institutions on which a person relies for protection, resources, and survival violate the trust or well-being of that person. BTT emphasises the importance of betrayal as a core antecedent of dissociation implicitly aimed at preserving the relationship with the caregiver and  suggests that an individual (e.g. a child or spouse), being dependent on another (e.g. their caregiver or partner) for support, will have a higher need to dissociate traumatic experiences from conscious awareness in order to preserve the relationship.^” 

In my opinion, the principal female characters in both movies suffered from   betrayal trauma and their actions at the end of both movies show the extent of the wounds they suffered in the hands of those they loved. There  are many lessons to be learnt from experiences such as we see in these stories and I will make an attempt to list the ones that struck me the most. 

1. In loving others we must look out for ourselves. Many women because of the way women are built, and the fact that it is largely still a patriarchal world tend to pass up opportunities in favour of their men. It is normal because women want the best for their men and have a need to look up to their men and ensure that he is respected in society. As natural caregivers and nurturers we tend to sacrifice ourselves for our men and interestingly most men expect that we do so but the truth is that even though we may be naturally and culturally inclined to do so we must always remember to look out for ourselves, speak up for ourselves and not assume that our partners will do so for us. 

2. The fact that we stay with our spouse during difficult times does not necessarily mean that they will do good by us. Most women are quick to say that because they supported their partners he owes them a lifelong appreciation. It is true that we should appreciate the support we receive during hard times but many times,  women forget that both parties partook of the suffering and that the man suffered just as much as they did if not more.  If I may also add, the truth is that lots of times women choose to go through the difficult times without any prompting from the men and sometimes for want of a better choice. 
3. There are other things apart from  sexual infidelity that amount to betrayal. Sex with other people can be rationalised as a human need that a single woman may not be able to satisfy,  but revealing secrets told during times of intimacy and vulnerability, subjecting one to ridicule without standing up for one, belittling one before others, de-emphasising one’s contributions to the family commonwealth all fall under betrayal and may hurt even more because they stem from  a conscious effort to demean and debase.
4. That we can end a relationship in a win-win situation if only we are patient, understanding and empathetic. Most times selfishness and impatience especially when we want our way makes us ride roughshod over peoples’ feelings and in turn makes them resentful and embittered. 
5. That sometimes no matter what we do or do not do, people will turn out the way they want to be and that it’s about them not us or what we bring to the table. 
6.  That at all times and without being intrusive, we must demand our self-respect in our relationships and our right to eat at the table. 
7.  That resentment is a big factor in the death of many relationships. We tend to resent our loved ones for their choices/ non-choices and decisions and that our feelings if not vented or addressed appropriately will destroy both us and the relationship. 
8. That in our bid to take our revenge on our significant other we must ensure that we do not end up hurting ourselves more. It is my viewpoint and one that I hold strongly that at the end of a relationship I will not lose myself due to the end of the  relationship but that like my partner I will find my joy and prosper even as he prospers.  

The most significant symptoms of betrayal trauma is the inability to trust or commit to another person. It is the inability to differentiate between people and different scenarios. It is the fear that we may end up being hurt again. The truth is that love hurts and betrayals will occur but the fact that we have been betrayed before doesn’t necessarily mean we will be betrayed again. 

In my opinion, movies like Anikulapo and Acrimony help in opening our eyes to the inner workings of relationships in a bid to understand ours and ensure that we sidestep the devastating consequences of betrayal and resentment.