It’s another week of wrangling on the war between the genders and today’s takes are (a) the video that went viral showing a woman who was participating in a race and whose young children leave her “husband’s” side, run to her on the tracks, right in her path just as she was by the finish line, and who though momentarily distracted, sidesteps them both, breasts the tape and wins the race.
The argument by women is that her husband and the father of the children should have allowed her to finish the race before bringing the children to her or that he should have at best stayed with them after the finish line so that they would not be a source of distraction to her. They argue that staying with the young children just by the finish line and allowing them to go on the tracks especially as she had a hot contender on her heels, is wickedness of the highest order and shows just how selfish men can be.
They cite his expression when she sidelined the children as symptomatic of his demeaning behaviour and lack of appreciation of her efforts as he sought to direct attention to himself and not her for winning the race and lastly, that it shows how society often expects women to sacrifice their dreams and aspirations because they have children or because their children need them at that particular moment.
In defending the man, someone posted a video showing a male runner joined by his daughter just as he crossed the finish line with them running side by side, hand in hand to the applause of the spectators saying it’s double standards. People have been quick to comment that the two videos are not comparable as the daughter was older than the woman’s children and more significantly, the man had no hot contender behind him. Some have reasoned rather unsuccessfully, too that the man must have thought that the children would inspire and not distract their mother and that they must have broken free from his grasp in their excitement to see mummy and not that he intentionally left them to run into her path.
(b) The screenshot of a conversation between a man and his wife with the label, “the reason why men die young” where the wife asked her husband for money for her hair and he responded rather tiredly with the list of things he has spent money on already-essentials such as rent, school fees, feeding, etc and asked her what happened to the bonus of N1million she just received at work to which the wife glibly responded that she was waiting for him to ask about her bonus and should she burrow the N800,000.00 for her hair from it pending when he refunds her without acknowledging the weariness, pressure and silent plea from her husband which was palpable even through his written words.
Whatever the reasons both the man in the video and the woman in the conversation have for their behaviour and lack of sensitivity, I must say that it is increasingly obvious that many people of both genders in relationships are living with people who don’t have their interests at heart. Many are in their relationships for selfish reasons mainly for what they can get out of it and not what they can give and they take without restraint, without thinking of the other party nor are they willing to give even when the other party has put in a lot at their expense.
My first reaction when I read about such stories, is to wonder where these people find each other and what was the attraction they had, because I can’t for the life of me imagine why I should intentionally want to impede my partners growth, make him fail, be a clog in the wheel of his progress just because I can’t handle seeing him happy or doing well and I also can’t think of why especially in this time and age I will hide my money from a responsible man and still harass him for something as mundane as hair and be insensitive to the pressures he is under, allowing him to carry such heavy burdens when I can help. It reminds me of yet another story of a lady who took money that was contributed for surgery for her guy to buy hair.
What happened to understanding, to kindness, to being thoughtful and appreciative of what people bring to the relationship? When did it become if you don’t do this, I wouldn’t do that, or I would do this only if you do that? When did we start to keep account of who did what and when? Why are we so insensitive with one another? Yes, I know many have seen their parents or friends either being abused, henpecked and nagged, betrayed and even killed by their partners but is that enough reason to be so unfeeling, so unkind in our dealings with one another, so unappreciative of each others efforts and so determined to put one another down?
Please, don’t excuse this terrible behaviour by saying it’s because of the experiences of people that they are what they are now. Yes, experiences could make one feel resentful and bitter but they don’t change us at our core, they don’t make an intrinsic good person bad because for most good people, although their experiences make them wiser and cautious they are more emphatic, more understanding, more eager to explain away the shortcomings of others, more appreciative of the good done to them. They don’t think everyone is out to get them nor do they take advantage of others just because someone took advantage of them.
It used to be that the fear of God was the main thing to look out for in a partner and it’s still very relevant although there are many supposedly God fearing people that are terrible human beings but in addition to it, we must look out for kindness, thoughtfulness, sensitivity, generosity not only of their money but of their spirit and time, someone that places value on our person and does not use us as an appendage or for societal approval.
There are so many maladjusted self-centered individuals everywhere, who have heard all sorts of seemingly motivational speeches which celebrate selfishness and toxicity all under the guise of being oneself and not allowing others to take advantage of them.
Marriage was never intended to give one partner control over the other or as a competition where partners value one another because of what they bring to the table, it’s not a 50/50 thing by the partners to see who is giving the most. It’s teamwork, collaboration, the coupling of strengths for the common purpose, it’s complementing one another, doing life together and the truth is that it can only work when both parties bring their A game to it unreservedly. Sometimes one partner will give more than the other in ways not quantifiable financially or physically and vice versa but the understanding by both parties should be that whatever they bring to the table is for the common good of all.
Enough of the camps, enough of the tearing down and pulling down, enough of the inventory as to who is and who should be bringing the most, marriage is not a battle it is teamwork.
