No, this isn’t about Video Vixens whose only claim to fame are their gyrating bums that often fill up the screens when we watch music videos. This is more about our young daughters who are not even aware of what assets they possess, you know those girls who are being wagged by their bums instead of vice versa.
Many of us inherited certain body parts from our parents that, like it or not, we’ve come to accept it as our lot; big bum, big eyes, big nose, huge calves…and so it is with kids these days.
I recall a friend of mine, Bimpe, who had such a ginormous bum in school. It was the only thing we used to describe her; you know Bimpe with the big yansh. Take her bum away and there would be no Bimpe. Same with another friend Bose, whose bum is like 4 Basket balls on one person, not fair at all especially to those of us who have to borrow bums just to sit down!
Whereas Bimpe and Bose and many like them have somehow mastered the dynamics of lugging around these extra carriages with such dexterity that makes us envious, it’s shocking to notice that our kids who are blessed with ample behinds just don’t seem to realize that they have something extra.
Overgrown kids with gifts from mama got me thinking. It’s now very common to see kids between ages 11 to 17 looking like adults… until they open their mouths and betray themselves as nothing but overgrown babies. I’m not sure if it’s the chemicals in the junk food they consume that’s making them balloon at such a fast rate or perhaps theirs is a generation of richly endowed giants.
Perhaps, it’s because many of them don’t eat the natural foods we grew up eating and hating? They haven’t acquired the taste for edikaikon, ugwu, bitterleaf soup, ogbono and efo riro our parents forced down our throats with mounds of pounded yam or eba. Kids these days don’t like swallow, theirs is the age of fast food, and we load them with too much sugar just to satisfy their cravings for junk food to assuage our guilt of not finding time to cook real meals in the kitchen. Think about it, there’s really no time for such lengthy meals after spending 3 hours in traffic, abi?
So, I guess fast growth is a byproduct of fast foods; theirs is certainly not an organic generation. Could it be why, girls as young as 13years are already wearing D-cup size bras and looking stuffy even in mummy’s clothes; boys as young as 14 are wearing size 46 shoes and daddy’s trousers? These overgrown babies do not understand the dynamics of their bodies and so haven’t quite mastered how to package themselves in public.
I’ll give you an example, kids run even when they don’t need to because they have to burn energy! But a 13-year-old with D cup size boobs shouldn’t run. She’ll cause serious havoc in public. Get?
So whenever Bose’s 7-year-old daughter, who looks like a 10-year-old, swings her NBL sized bum past me, I shake my head in wonder. That one hasn’t learned to wag her bum. She reminds me of Nick Minaj just after she got her butt implants. Nicki was constantly being wagged by the bum, as if she hadn’t realised she had it.
My friend’s and I were at the swimming pool some time ago with our kids and we got an eyeful of images that I found quite disturbing. 80% of the kids, the girls especially, had fully developed bodies, I mean D-cup sizes and voluptuous hips that made me blink several times. Hell! I was even envious, haba! At their age, I was as flat chested and straight as an ironing board…even now sef, na grace dey carry me.
So understand my anxiety when I discovered these babies with well sculpted bodies bouncing all the bounce-ables and totally oblivious of the stir they were causing amongst us parents and several other onlookers. I saw many mothers looking furtively to see if there were men with bad intentions watching; I caught a few lustful stares that I immediately threw daggers at with my laser beams.
Ha! I worry.
So, I’ve made it my job to talk to my kids and friends’ kids who I’ve found are being wagged by their bums, namely; they must make adjustments for these, erm, spare parts, eg, be ready to get additional material for instance, when it’s time to sew aso ebi, pay extra if they ever find themselves in a plane or bus; be ready for envy, even from me, and most of all, learn to wag that thing before it wags you.