I saw a YouTube clip that featured a pastor saying that he didn’t understand why when single and dating, the church begs couples not to have sex but when they marry the church begs them to sleep with one another. His congregation was rather amused and many tittered self-consciously but what he said is the elephant in the room that many couples avoid and the reality that’s quietly eating deep into the fabric of many marriages, yet hardly spoken of or even acknowledged.
It’s rather interesting that we talk about infidelity, domestic violence, financial instability, and communication breakdowns in marriages, but tiptoe around the topic of sexlessness. Maybe because it’s such a private matter, or maybe because it’s one of those things that makes people uncomfortable. But it is my opinion that we need to start having honest conversations about it, especially as I’ve observed an increasing number of both young and older couples in Nigeria choosing—or slipping into—sexless unions.
And before we go further, let me be clear: I’m not referring to abstinence for religious or medical reasons, or a short-term dry spell due to stress or health challenges. I’m talking about long-term, consistent absence of sexual intimacy, sometimes stretching into months and even years, in marriages that are otherwise “functional.” Marriages where the bills are paid, children are raised, and public appearances are kept up, but behind closed doors, affection and touch are distant memories.
The truth is that like most things in relationships, sexlessness is rarely about just one thing. It is the result of a mix of emotional, psychological, physiological, and social issues that build up over time.
From the viewpoint of most women, they didn’t start off that way. They often went into their unions with the hope of intimacy—emotional, physical, and spiritual. But over time, factors such as:
- Childbearing and childcare fatigue: women are expected to be superwomen. They are cook, cleaner, career woman, caregiver, and everything else in between. Sometimes, by the end of the day, they are just too tired, not uninterested in their partners, just tired to their bones.
- Unresolved emotional conflicts: A woman who feels unheard, unappreciated, or constantly criticized will often shut down emotionally, and by extension, physically. Sex for many women is not just a physical act—it’s an emotional connection. If that connection is broken, sex becomes a chore.
- Lack of hygiene or physical attraction: Let’s be honest. Some men stop taking care of themselves after marriage. Big stomachs, bad breath, body odor—these things matter.
- Trauma or abuse: Some women were never taught that sex could be pleasurable. For others, past trauma or a history of sexual abuse creates deep-rooted aversion, sadly, many of them don’t even know it’s a problem, let alone seek help.
- Religious and cultural conditioning: many women were taught to be “good girls.” Sex was demonized. So they get married and still carry that baggage, unsure how to enjoy or even initiate intimacy.
- Infidelity: many women cannot bear to be touched by their men if they know he is sleeping with another woman. They would rather not have sex than have sex with a cheat.
- Non enjoyment of the act : truth be told, many women lose interest because the act is not fulfilling and their partners do not care enough to inquire and learn what pleases them.
For many men, a sexless marriage is frustrating, emasculating, and confusing. But here’s the thing: most Nigerian men were taught that sex is their right in marriage. So when it’s withdrawn or disappears, they react with:
- Anger or withdrawal: Some retreat into themselves. Others look outside. It doesn’t make it right, but it’s a coping mechanism.
- Performance anxiety: In today’s world, there’s pressure on men to “last long” and “satisfy their wives,” which can create anxiety and lead to avoidance, especially if they’ve had bad experiences with criticism or rejection.
- Medical or psychological issues: Issues like erectile dysfunction, low libido, or depression are rarely talked about in Nigerian culture. Men are told to “man up,” and drink natural herbs and so they suffer in silence.
- Loss of emotional connection: Contrary to what people think, men also crave intimacy. If the emotional bond is broken, some men find it hard to initiate or enjoy sex.
- Punishment: some men, being fully aware that their wives cannot fulfill their sexual desires outside the marriage, use sex as a means of punishing them.
You’d think that sexlessness was the curse of older, tired couples. But surprisingly, more young Nigerians are either choosing sexless marriages or finding themselves in one shortly after the wedding.
Why you may ask?
Many young people, especially men, are wary of partners who may weaponize sex. They’ve seen their fathers or uncles complain about wives who denied them sex as punishment. Some even say things like, “I can live without sex if it means peace of mind.”
Some, I think, have been over-sexualized and I have read an account or two where the couple are in the relationship mainly because it is sexless and No they are not sleeping with other people nor are they gay. For some, marriage is now seen as a business partnership or companionship arrangement. “We’re together for the kids, the stability, the investment goals. Sex? That’s optional.”
There’s also a growing number of marriages in Nigeria that are, quite frankly, arrangements. Status, money, visa, social pressure. These marriages may look picture-perfect on Instagram but lack depth, friendship, and connection. In such unions, sex is often absent or mechanical.
Then , let’s not pretend that phones and pornography haven’t become third parties in many bedrooms. A generation raised on instant gratification now finds real-life intimacy too demanding. It’s easier to get a quick release from a screen than to nurture connection and finally some individuals enter heterosexual marriages to conform to societal expectations while privately identifying differently. In such cases, sex becomes a duty or avoided altogether.
So What’s the Solution?
There’s no one-size-fits-all answer. But I believe open, honest conversations are the starting point. We all must stop treating sex as taboo. Whether you’re a woman feeling drained or a man feeling rejected, you have to talk. Pretending everything is fine while suffering in silence isn’t sustainable.
Therapy and counseling should be encouraged. The shame around seeking help must go. The church, mosque, and traditional institutions should also evolve in how they address intimacy. Too often, religious advice ends at “submit to your husband” or “just give it to him so he won’t cheat.” That’s not healthy. We need more depth, more understanding.
For those entering marriage, talk about sex and be honest about expectations. Don’t marry someone you’re not physically attracted to. Don’t say “I can cope without sex” if you know it’s important to you. Don’t marry to please your parents or society. Marriage is hard enough with love and chemistry—without it, it’s a prison.
And for those who have made peace with a sexless marriage? Yes some have, that’s okay too—if both parties genuinely consent and are fulfilled in other ways. A sexless marriage is not automatically a failed marriage—but it is often a sign that something deeper is wrong. And like with most things in life, if we don’t confront the truth, we can’t fix it.
So break the silence, ask the hard questions, remove the shame. Because marriage, at its best, should be a place of joy, safety, and connection—not silent suffering.