There’s a peculiar stage of life that no one quite prepares us for.
One moment, we’re raising toddlers, juggling school runs and PTA meetings. The next, we find ourselves navigating adult children with dreams, opinions, and the occasional drama—while simultaneously supporting aging parents through hospital visits, memory lapses, and the delicate transition from being their children to becoming their caregivers.
It’s a middle ground where one is literally sandwiched between two demanding worlds: our children (whether teenagers, young adults, or still in school) and our parents (who are aging and becoming more dependent). For many of us in our 40s to 60s, this is a daily reality. I know it well—because I’m living it.
I have grown children who still need me emotionally and logistically. I also live with my mother, who requires care, companionship, and unending patience. And here’s the truth: it’s exhausting—emotionally, physically, financially, and mentally.
Let me paint you a picture.
Imagine coming home from a long day at work. Your mother, who’s been alone all day, immediately wants to chat about her day or asks you to fetch something from the kitchen upstairs. Just then, your daughter calls in tears—her rent is due, work is overwhelming, and she just needs you to “be there.” You haven’t eaten all day, your phone buzzes with reminders about your overdue medical appointment and that book club meeting you forgot about. Your partner, if you have one, feels neglected. And you haven’t even begun to process your own day—especially if it was a bad one.
If this scenario sounds familiar, then you, too, are part of the Sandwich Generation.
Being in this position feels like a constant tug-of-war. On one side are our aging parents—sometimes fragile, often set in their ways, and increasingly reliant on us to navigate everything from doctor visits to technology to loneliness. On the other side are our children—still figuring life out, needing emotional and sometimes financial support as they come into their own in an increasingly complex world.
And in the middle? Us—pulled in both directions.
The sandwich generation carries two heavy burdens. One is responsibility. The other is guilt. Guilt that we’re not doing enough. Guilt for sometimes resenting the load. Guilt when we lose patience with our elderly parents. Guilt for not always being there for our kids. Guilt when we dare to spend our hard-earned money or precious time on ourselves.
This guilt is deeply rooted in how society conditions us—especially women—to serve both generations without question. I’ve felt all of it. But I’ve also learned to let go of the pressure to be perfect.
I’ve come to remind myself: I’m doing the best I can.
I’ve accepted that I can’t always balance both sides of the scale. Sometimes, my children will be upset with me. Sometimes, my mother will feel neglected. And that’s okay.
I’ve given myself grace. I’ve accepted that I can love both my children and my parents deeply—and still need space, rest, and quiet. Because I’m human.
The second burden is the balance of living. How to remain whole while giving so much of one’s self. The attendant burnout is real and many people, especially women, lose their sense of identity in the process, as we become caregivers, fixers, schedulers and therapists leaving our own dreams, pleasures, and passions behind.
But here’s another truth: it can be fulfilling, too. Despite the stress, there is deep joy in this role. Many of us are grateful to still have our parents alive, to be able to give back after all they’ve done and I must say that there is a quiet satisfaction in watching our children grow into adults, needing us less in some ways and more in others.
Living with my mother is teaching me patience, respect for history, and the power of being in the present. At the same time, watching my grown children navigate their independence keeps me mindful of how life evolves.
The sandwich season, though demanding, can also be one of the most transformational phases of life. It teaches us:
- Resilience: We learn just how much strength we have.
- Perspective: We gain invaluable insight into both aging and youth.
- Compassion: We develop deep empathy for others because we know what it feels like to carry weight.
- Legacy: We become the bridge between generations, carrying the values of the past and hopes for the future.
It is a sacred and privileged role and we can care for others and still live a fulfilling life. Here’s how:
1. Set Boundaries with Love- Boundaries are not about keeping people out, they’re about keeping yourself in. Explain gently but firmly when you need rest, time alone, or space to pursue your own interests. Don’t feel guilty about protecting your peace.
2. Create Systems of Support –You cannot do it all alone. Create a village. Maybe that means a family WhatsApp group to share the caregiving load. Maybe it’s hiring a part-time caregiver for your parent or sending your child to live with a relative for a season. Ask for help- your sanity depends on it.
3. Carve Out Moments for Yourself- Even 15 minutes a day of intentional self-time, reading, walking, praying, dancing, or doing absolutely nothing can rejuvenate you. Do not wait for a crisis to rest.
4. Normalize Your Needs- Many in the sandwich generation suffer in silence, afraid to seem selfish or ungrateful but your needs are valid. Wanting space, pleasure, growth, and joy doesn’t mean you’re abandoning your loved ones. It means you are honoring your humanity.
5. Have Honest Conversations-Talk to your children. Let them know that you are not superhuman. Talk to your parents gently about their expectations and limitations. When we communicate clearly, we reduce resentment.
Finally, Dear fellow “middle dweller” I want you to know:
This stage gives us a unique chance to honour our parents, not just with duty, but with presence. To sit with them, talk with them, hear their stories, and learn from their regrets. Their lives are roadmaps we can draw lessons from, lessons we may pass on to our own children and our children, are watching how we navigate this time, how we treat their grandparents, how we balance our lives and honour ourselves.
That this season won’t last forever. One day, your children will need you less. Your parents will be gone and you’ll look around and ask: “Now what?”
So
Don’t wait until then to start living.
Don’t pause your dreams until your responsibilities are lighter.
Don’t silence your laughter until everyone else is okay.
Start now.
Find your joy in pockets of the day.
Make peace with imperfection.
Allow yourself to cry when it’s hard and laugh when it’s funny.
Take a deep breath, look in the mirror, and say: “I am enough.”
Being in the sandwich generation is not a curse, it’s a privilege. A hard, overwhelming, love-filled privilege and you are the glue, the bridge, the heartbeat holding generations together.
But even glue needs care.
So take care of you.
With love,
Tara