I was on X (Twitter) recently and read this tweet by Mũkoma wa Ngũgĩ, who said of his famous father Ngũgĩ wa Thiong’o, the Kenyan celebrated and acclaimed writer and academic, “My father @NgugiWaThiongo_ physically abused my late mother – he would beat her up. Some of my earliest memories are me going to visit her at my grandmother’s where she would seek refuge. But with that said it is the silencing of who she was that gets me. Ok- I have said it.”
I was intrigued by the sentence “the silencing of who she was” and what it meant and wondered who did the silencing. Was it his father by ensuring she conformed to what he wanted and needed her to be for him? Or was it his mother who made herself small for her husband to be who he wanted or needed to be?
A further read revealed that for Mũkoma, the silencing was his father’s erasure of the part his mother played in his story, especially her efforts in keeping the family together all through his political persecutions and it reminded me of the statement “a misadventure in marriage” the only reference Late Otunba Subomi Balogun made in his biography, of his marriage to his first wife, who bore him his first two children.
That phrase has always amazed me as he completely silenced her voice in his story, but I guess it was his story to tell and he can decide whose voice should be heard just as Ngũgĩ wa Thiong’o did.
There are two types of silencing, especially in a relationship. Silencing imposed by one party on the other or self-imposed silence. External silencing can be done overtly or covertly. It could be done by outright demands to conform to an image or by nudging one to accept the idea as theirs. An example of both covert and overt silencing is that of someone who told me he couldn’t be in a relationship with a woman that coloured her hair in the colours that I have used on my hair. If I were to have a relationship with someone like him, he would insist on the change of my hair colour (overt), or and I may think that it may not in itself be a bad thing to change the colour to please him because love does make sacrifices for the object of its love (covert) but the bottom line is that it would have silenced that adventurous part of me that relishes wild hair colour.
External silencing can also mean making someone inconsequential and not acknowledging their part in one’s story as Ngũgĩ wa Thiong’o has been accused by his son.
Cambridge dictionary defines silencing as preventing someone from expressing their views, or from criticising or opposing someone. The Mariam Webster dictionary defines it as compelling, or reducing one to silence. The synonyms are shushing, quieting, censoring, muting, hushing, extinguishing, suppression, etc.
Silencing, especially when it is self-silencing is not altogether a bad thing in itself when it concerns self-conduct or regulation because a lot of times we say or think terrible things of ourself, and our bodies or feelings do not always want to do the right things at the right time but it becomes a problem when we constantly silence our concerns, views, perspectives, better judgement or even feelings to please or appease others.
On the other hand, external silencing in relationships is always a bad thing because its intent is always control, repression and owning the narrative even when it is not true.
The truth is that people of all genders self-silence, but women often do so much more especially when it comes to safeguarding their relationships and protecting (albeit) misguidedly the people they love. The New port Institute in its article why young women self-silence and how it impacts mental health states “Self-silencing develops out of societal norms, values and images that dictate that women behave in unselfish, compassionate, loving and deferential ways. To ensure that a relationship remains intact, self-silencing women censor themselves and devalue their experiences—even when they feel anger and resentment. What’s most important to self-silencers is to present an agreeable and compliant face to their partner and the world”
Many women have silenced who they are by becoming small in order that their men may feel like “proper men” whatever that means!!! as if a man is not already a man. Fear, financial dependence, low esteem issues, the need for acceptance and belonging, the desire for peace by all means are some of the reasons why a lot of women have shut the lid on their voices in their relationships and while it may work for a while, empirical studies show that they will eventually get to a place where they find their voice and most times the results are disastrous.
Fortunately, the older we get, the easier we are able to push off all limitations we’ve put on ourselves or allowed to be put on us and we find our voices and begin to speak authentically and it may be the main reason why we see long lasting relationships fail because the women find themselves and have decided to live true to who they are and what they desire.
The reasons why we allow our voices to be silenced are basically emotional and psychological and finding our voice takes time, but it is doable if we put in the hard work. The first steps in my opinion are to
- become more self-aware by asking oneself why you have repressed yourself and are not comfortable with speaking out. I can assure you that the main reason is always fear. Fear of not fitting in, of being alone, of being too good (some of us are afraid of success and doing well). I recently read an article where the author stated that she started self silencing because when she spoke a lot amongst friends who she felt safe with because they didn’t make fun of her stutter, her friends start complaining that she knew more than them and always put her down. Because it was a safe place for her stuttering and she had the need to be accepted, she silenced herself to maintain their friendship.
- Create boundaries in our relationships and the earlier one does so the better for them. As the proverb goes “don’t take as a poor man what you wouldn’t take as a rich man otherwise you wouldn’t be able to reject it when you get rich”.
- Be financially independent. I have found that having money is very vital to find one’s voice. Being financially dependent on someone else gives them the room to make decisions you may not like but have to go along with.
Finding one’s true voice is one of the beautiful gifts we can give ourselves and the world around us. Remove the limitations and let’s hear you speak as only you can.