Monkey cannot work and baboon come to chop
The Independent National Electoral Commission said it would not pay a Collation Officer for Saturday’s Governorship and House of Assembly elections in Cross River, who absconded. The Resident Electoral Commissioner in the state, Dr Frankland Briyai, made this known on Monday in Calabar while speaking with newsmen after the declaration of results of the polls. He said that the collation officer was assigned to Calabar South Local Government Area, but was later discovered to have disappeared. “The absence of the Collation Officer has no implications other than that he is not going to be paid,” he said. I’m sure the runaway C.O. will see this threat and resurface. I mean, in this Naija that even ghost workers collect 12 months salary? Oga will show face.
Winless nights, sleepless nights
Paris Saint-Germain striker Kylian Mbappe says that he has had trouble sleeping since the club’s defeat to Manchester United in the Champions League on Wednesday. Mbappe, 20, failed to score as United came back from a 2-0 first-leg deficit to win 3-1 in Paris and advance on away goals. “I am stunned – there are no words,” he told TF1’s Telefoot. “I have not been able to sleep and I think it has been the same for everybody else. It is difficult. We worked hard to reach that point and now we are out. We are disappointed.” Go and sleep (pun intended) joor, what will full-time insomnia patients like Arsenal fans now be saying? Mtcheew.
Wolves in military clothing
The army has accused politicians of providing thugs with military uniforms to impersonate soldiers and perpetrate various crimes in furtherance of their political interests. Acting Director, Army Public Relations, Col. Sagir Musa, stated yesterday that the thugs had severally been wrongly viewed and addressed as real military personnel on various social and mainstream media, thereby bringing the army to disrepute. He said: “Nigeria Army (NA) understands that most civilians caught in the callous onslaught of these murderous thugs might not be able to distinguish a genuine soldier from an impersonator, especially when they are armed with military-type weapons…Consequently, the NA would continue with the line of investigations being pursued to bring to successful prosecution both the arrested impostors and their sponsors.” *Sigh* No comment, really.
Nigerian-British actor David Oyewolo has stated his interest in becoming the first black James Bond. This he believes will give black children “a superhero to identify with.” “One of the most beautiful things I have seen in America on Halloween is white kids running around in Black Panther costumes,” said David Oyelowo. “I did not have a superhero to identify with growing up on a council estate in Islington. It was all Superman. That these things are very important is not lost on me.” To see that this is achieved, he intends speaking with James Bond producer Barbara Broccoli. Hmmm. One question: how on earth is James Bond a superhero character? Or has there always been a cape (invisible to me) attached to the tuxedo? My hypothesis: this Oyo State indigene seems to be ingesting some homegrown cannabis. If you know what I mean.
Burst bubbles: On Jennifer Lopez and Alex Rodriguez
But just a day after announcing they are engaged, Alex Rodriguez has been accused by Former Major League Baseball star Jose Canseco of cheating on wife-to-be Jennifer Lopez with Jose ex-wife. Canseco took to Twitter to spill the beans: “Watching World of Dance watching J.Lo text Alex Rodriguez little does she know that he is cheating on her with my ex-wife Jessica poor girl she has no idea who he really is.. Alex Rodriguez stop being a piece of shit stop cheating on Jennifer Lopez. Alex Rodriguez I challenge you to a boxing match or an MMA match anytime you want.” Canseco also tweeted at Jennifer, writing: “@JLo if you want the truth about Alex Rodriguez call me 702-374-3735.” Ah! What manner of kasala is this? See ehn, JLo, call me biko. I don’t even know what to tell you but just call me!