He never beat her, not once. Neither did he use the words, stupid, foolish , mad etc, yet he told her in not so many words that she was all of those adjectives. When she first met him, he was the most romantic and thoughtful man she had ever met. The kind who would open the car doors for her when they were going out and come out to open the doors both of the car and to their destination. He called her lovely names at least in the beginning and much later when they were with company but behind closed doors all niceties ended, that was if he would even speak to her. At first she revelled in his attention, until his love started to suffocate her. She had to do things just the way he wanted them, he questioned her decisions and choices until she began to do the same resulting in a low self esteem, he stopped her from working so she could take care of the children and gradually she became dependent on him for everything she had and needed.
She was the first daughter of the family and silently bore the duties and responsibilities of her position. She had worked herself to the bone, forgoing relationships and pleasures for the relative prosperity they now had which was much better then her parents could provide but she was beginning to notice -the snide remarks when she made suggestions at the family meetings, the sarcastic responses to her questions and, the constant reminders that her siblings were doing much better than her, that she was not married and had no children. Every communication with her parents made her wish she had nothing to do with them but for her Christian upbringing which mandated honoring one’s parents, she was ready to sever the ties.
He loved his wife, truly he did and he wanted her so but she used her body as a weapon. Giving it to him only when she was desired and denying him a touch for weeks or months at times. There were loads of excuses, he didn’t bathe at night, he wanted her too often, she had a headache or was busy. He was beginning to feel the effects of being constantly rejected, it was affecting his esteem and making him feel unwanted causing him to wonder at his attractiveness and prowess and tempting him to seek other women to boost his morale.
Relationships—whether familial, romantic, or marital—are meant to be sources of love, support, and companionship. However, they can sometimes become toxic, with abuse manifesting in physical, emotional, or psychological forms. Toxic relationships never start as toxic for who will be attracted to an abuser. Most abusive relationships begin with charm, affection, and the illusion of love or duty. Over time, subtle signs emerge—manipulation, control, belittling, or outright aggression—before escalating into full-blown abuse.
Domestic abuse, or intimate partner violence (IPV), includes physical violence (beating, slapping, choking), sexual violence, financial control, and coercive control. It often begins with minor infractions that are excused or overlooked until the abuse becomes routine. While physical abuse leaves scars and bruises, emotional abuse is just as damaging but harder to recognize. It involves gaslighting, constant criticism, humiliation, isolation from loved ones, and threats. Many Nigerian parents emotionally abuse their children under the guise of discipline, jocularly calling them “useless,” comparing them unfavorably to others, or withholding affection as punishment. Many men will say they have never touched their wives but constantly make her feel inferior. A case that comes to mind is that of a seemingly rich man who decks his wife in gold and diamonds publicly but demands that she hands over the jewels to him as soon as they get home and keeps it in a safe whose lock is known to him alone. Though the wife bears no physical scars, she is suffering immense psychological trauma and is constantly in prayer houses praying for the man to love her deeply. Many women abuse their husbands by constantly criticizing their decisions and choices especially when they are in company of others including their children.
What Causes Abuse in Relationships?
1. Cultural and Religious Justifications
In many Nigerian communities, abuse is normalized. Women are taught that “a man is the head of the home” and must be obeyed without question. Some religious teachings are misinterpreted to mean that women must submit unconditionally, even in abusive situations.Men, on the other hand, are often not taught how to express emotions healthily. Parents are regarded as oracles whose words and wishes must be complied with. Siblings are taught that “blood is thicker than water” and that no matter what another sibling does, the familial ties should never be severed.
2. Financial Dependency Economic power plays a significant role in abuse. Many victims, especially women, stay in abusive marriages because they lack financial independence. Many men also find themselves unable to leave because of the financial implications of a divorce. Also in situations where a parent is wealthy, many children will bear with abuse so as to maintain a lifestyle that they are used to.
3. Lack of Awareness and Support Systems Many of us do not understand what constitutes abuse and so we perpetuate it. Emotional abuse is often dismissed as mere “quarrels” or “misunderstandings.” and if victims complain they are told they are being too sensitive and westernized. Victims who seek help are sometimes met with responses like, “Is he feeding you? Then endure it”. “A parent is always right and it is for your good” . The marginal functional social support systems also make it difficult for victims to escape.
4. Fear of Stigma and Judgment. Divorce and separation are heavily stigmatized, particularly for women. In our culture, a woman who leaves her marriage is often labeled “wayward” or “unable to keep a home.” It’s even worse when a man leaves because he is being emotionally abused as he is regarded as a weakling who is being controlled by his woman.
I don’t know of anyone who would willingly choose to be abused, but the truth is that many victims are enablers who unconsciously allow the cycle to start, and continue by justifying and rationalizing their abusers behavior. They give excuses for them, saying, “He is stressed,” “She doesn’t mean it,” or “It was my fault for provoking him.” These excuses prevent them from seeing the abuse for what it truly is and I find it rather ironic that people fear being called a failure more than the abuse itself.
Also many harbor the irrational hope that their abuser will change over time, especially if they are loving and apologetic after each incident. The cycle of abuse typically includes a “honeymoon phase” where the abuser appears remorseful, only for the violence to resume later. For some, it’s the justified fear of further harm . Some victims stay because they fear what their abuser will do if they leave. Threats like “If you leave, I’ll kill you” or “You’ll never see your children again” keep them trapped. Beyond financial dependence, emotional attachment makes it difficult to leave. It is difficult to sever ties from people whom you have known and who know you from birth.
Understanding what constitutes abuse (whether physical or emotional) is crucial to stopping it. If a partner or family member constantly belittles, controls, or physically harms you, it is abuse no matter how much they say they love you or even tend to occasionally show it. The knowledge of what constitutes abuse will make it unacceptable and although the abuser will fight to keep the relationship as it is , you must insist that it is unacceptable for you to be treated in that manner.
Confide in trusted friends, family members, or professional counselors and if they don’t believe you and think the world of your abuser, there are organizations like WARIF (Women at Risk International Foundation) and Project Alert on Violence Against Women, which offer support for abuse victims in Nigeria For those in financially dependent relationships, developing an independent source of income is key. Even small-scale businesses or remote jobs can help create an exit strategy.
No marriage, relationship, or family tie is worth your life or emotional wellbeing. Leaving an abusive situation will be difficult, but it is often the only way to survive and in cases where it is familial ties it just might be the eye opener for the abuser to see themselves and mend their ways .
Love is good but love can be toxic. In a world where people are becoming less perturbed about how people see them and encouraged by leaders who disrespect people and trample on others in a show of superiority many are throwing away every inhibition of presence and people are finding themselves trapped with people who claim to love yet abuse them. The laws of safety mandates us to take care of ourselves first and that may mean a total avoidance of the abuser or limiting contact . Whatever options you take please know that you owe yourself the love that you deserve and to flee every love that seeks to diminish and control you.