When the Don Jazzy of Nigerian editors approached me about writing this column, I said “Eziokwu!”
Then I thought “This man no know say e don buy bad market.”
But seeing as I have never walked away from a challenge in my entire life….Ok, except for that time when that guy said I should tattoo his name on the inside of my lower lip so that even if I left him, I would always taste him every time I kissed a guy.
Yes, there are very mentally unstable men walking around this Lagos o! Some of them even wear $3,000 designer suits and head multinational oil companies!
But I digress. I am super excited and honoured that Toni Kan would ask me to do this. And with that brief introduction I welcome you to my world. The world of a divorced, 40 something year old mother of 2 that’s trying to navigate her way through the vagaries of life as a MSW who is still trying to have it all while grinding daily for that almighty naira, raising 2 kids, fighting off aging and the menopause, dating (or failing in epic proportions at dating), coming to terms with missed opportunities and faded dreams while still nursing hope of a “Happy Ever After”. Tall order, I know. But stranger things have happened.
Take today for instance.
On my way from getting the kids from school I stopped over at the neighbourhood supermarket to get some groceries on the way home. When it got to my turn at the counter, the check out boy started scanning my items. When he got to the lip scrub I bought for my daughter he decided to practice his adolescent flirting lyrics on me. “Lip scrub? I don’t mean to be forward but those lips don’t need scrubbing o! For real!”
Then he smiled and licked his lips and continued scanning my items like say nothing happened! (Tell me, why do these boys like to lick their lips? have you watched BBNaija, all the boys are licking themselves.)
I looked at my daughter standing by the CD display unit and looked back at this baby orangutan and thought “If I had been more of a slut in school, instead of actually reading the book they sent me there to read, that girl standing over there would be your younger sister!”
Anyway, I said nothing. He told me my total and I counted out some notes and paid. When he printed out the receipt and handed it to me along with my change, I told him to keep it.
“Oh! Thanks. That’s sweet of you. Have a nice evening.”
At that point I realized that I couldn’t leave that place without reminding this child that he is probably not even allowed to vote yet.
So I said “You too. And say hello to your Mommy and Daddy for me.”
The other boy that was bagging my stuff just burst out laughing.
I am certain that from now on he will run and hide whenever I enter that shop but then
again, you never know these days.
After all, THIS IS LAGOS!