“Daddy you weren’t there for mummy during her fathers death and burial like she was for you when your dad died” I was surprised when my daughter uttered those words against her father as we were having our annual family meeting some years back.
I was heavily committed to a parenting fellowship in my local church and one of the practices we signed up for was to host annual general meetings for our immediate families. In those meetings, we reiterated our family goals and values and with our children reviewed the year’s events. We asked for their candid opinions on our parenting and it was an opportunity for them to say what they liked or didn’t like about how we had parented them in the year. We also had the opportunity to let them know what we had noticed about them during the year. This included their values, friends, attitudes we were pleased and not pleased with, grades, etc. We always ended the meetings by assuring them of our love for them and that no matter what they did they could always come home.
When my daughter made the above statement, I realised that even though I had not spoken a word to the children about their fathers attitude concerning my fathers death and burial, they could discern and spoke in my defence. Mr Aisi apologised to them and to me in their presence but the message was passed that they would hold us accountable for our actions both towards them and each other, same as we held them accountable.
In the light of the letter a father recently wrote on not being invited for his daughter’s wedding and his wife giving her away in marriage the following are my observations and advice:
- The children know. Children are able to read the atmosphere in a place. They are more intelligent and intuitive than we give them credit for and they have the ability of knowing instinctively who is good or evil. A lot of times, we think that our children cannot read between the lines or know when there is discord between their parents. Also, we think that by buying them gifts or doing stuff in order to bribe them they can’t really tell who is the villain and who is the saint. They may be fooled when they are younger but I can assure you that as they grow older they will put 2 and 2 together and arrive at 4.
- Stop the blame game. Stop blaming the other parent for the child’s behavior and stop blaming the child for you or your partner’s behavior. Most times we believe that the other parent tele-guides the child to say things or act in a certain manner towards us but it’s not always the case. A lot of times, the child is trying to pass a message across to us but because we are so fixated on the fact that they are being directed by the other parent, we miss out on what they are saying reinforcing their belief that they don’t matter and then get upset when they become emotionally unavailable towards us. Children have a sense of what is right and also have a mind of their own and will make their own investigations and conclude for themselves. Some will take sides but most will be fair to each parent and apportion blame accordingly.
- Our children are not culturally inclined to obey whilst grumbling as we were trained to be. They will not play to emotions and do what you want them to do in order that you or they might look good in the eyes of society. They will put you in your place and set the boundaries. In the letter under reference the child in question put her father in the place she thought he deserved to be and so whilst he was introduced to her fiancé and notified of the marriage, he wasn’t invited to the wedding.
- You cannot reap what you have not sown. Parenting is not about money. It’s about time, about being a safe place , about trust , about support and if you don’t give it, all you get back is a child who will relate with you out of a sense of duty and obligation and the goodness of their heart.
- Children will always reach out to the spouse that left them or that they didn’t grow up with. It’s like children who were adopted, there will always be a longing for the other parent and no matter how hard you try to keep them away from them they will defy and betray you to know them. I have found through my personal experience (and I commend my mother for allowing my father access to us ) that it is better to let them see the other parent as often as they desire without disrupting your schedule so far they will not come to any harm. In doing so, you show you have nothing to hide and they are able to come to their own conclusion on the state of affairs between both parents. In the likely event that the other parent wants nothing to do with them, let them be and explain to the children objectively if possible let them hear it from the horse’s mouth. If you are the parent that has been denied access, do all you can to let your child know you tried to be in their lives and this includes sending emails, asking friends and relatives to get in touch with the child, going for visits if you know the school. ( leave a trail showing your effort it will speak for you)
- You are not doing anyone but yourself a favor by being in your children’s life. A lot of people, especially fathers, think that their children and ex -spouse should be beside themselves with joy when they do the basics of care e.g school fees or maintenance. The fact that your child does not live with you doesn’t not stop you from playing your role. The fact that you are denied access to the child by an unreasonable ex does not stop you from playing your role. Gone are the days when parents who abandoned their children strut into their lives making demands of them. Old is the adage that says that when the child is grown he or she will look for the parent and give them center stage in their lives. Make no mistake, they will indeed come looking for such a parent but it will only be to satisfy their curiosity and confirm that they are not worth their attention.
- Never force them to take sides. I remember asking my daughter how she would feel if her father and I separated and her response was that she and her brother would stay with their grandparents rather than stay with either of us. Her response confirmed what I already knew. In my own case, I always told people that my parents met before they had me and they could come back together without my intervention. I didn’t want to be involved in trying to bring them back together, mending fences and having my emotions tossed about as I tried to untangle what was true or not and my understanding and belief is that no child wants to be the umpire between their parents they can help to mend the relationship but whatever disagreements you have please keep it between yourselves and do not involve them.
- Always think about what’s best for the child. The legal system and courts have a mantra when it comes to dissolution of marriages where the couple have children and it’s- what is in the best interest of the child.? What is in the best interests of the child might not be convenient for both parents. Neither will it be fair but it is always the best thing to consider not our egos, nor our pride. It cannot be in the best interest of a child for a father to insist on placing a seven year old in a boarding house rather than allow the child to stay with the mother. It is not in the best interest of a child when the mother does not allow her children to have access to their paternal grandparents or cousins.
- Try as much as possible to cooperate when you have to co- parent. Children can understand that their parents may no longer get along, but they want them to cooperate for their sake. They don’t want to be put in situations where they feel guilty for spending time with one parent or asking for support from another. They should not be labeled traitors for wanting to spend time or take things from the other parent. Be mindful that children need a stable and predictable environment to feel secure and an acrimonious relationship between parents can lead to inconsistent rules, routines, or living arrangements especially where parents want to outdo each other to win the children’s affections.
- The fact that the marriage ended will affect your children in ways you may not even know especially emotionally. Divorce is emotionally overwhelming for all the parties, especially the children, and they need time to adjust emotionally. Apart from worrying about their parents, especially if they are witnesses to their emotional pain, they worry that the ongoing conflict will cause one parent to disengage from their lives. They need reassurance that both parents will remain actively involved, no matter how difficult things become between them and they want their parents to understand that their feelings and emotions will fluctuate as they come to terms with the changes in their family. Also important is the fact that they may feel reluctant to express their emotions about the divorce for fear of upsetting one or both parents thereby suppressing their emotions because they don’t want to add to the tension. Patience and understanding from both parents will make a huge difference in their ability to cope and in a lot of cases therapy will be beneficial for the children.
It is sad that in his attempt to turn the tide of public opinion against his ex wife , the writer exposed himself to ridicule and exposed his shame to the whole world. The truth is that the GenZ’s do what they think is right not minding whose ox is gored and if Mr Letter writer had done his part and been part of their lives when they were growing up they would give him his place of honor without him having to ask notwithstanding their mother’s displeasure if she was so disposed. He most likely had not been a party to their important functions and a wedding is no more important to a child than an open day or graduation.
The lesson we should all learn from this is that we do no one any favors but ourselves when we play our part in our child’s life.
