Have you ever woken up one day, looked at your partner, and asked yourself why you married him or her? Or has anyone ever asked you why you married your spouse? What was your answer—to yourself and to everyone who has asked you this simple yet often disarming question?
Why did you get married?
Not how did you meet, not when did you know they were the one, but why—why did you take that leap, stand before witnesses, make vows, and commit yourself to another person? What set that person apart from the rest, or what made your decision so compelling?
For some of us, the answer rolls off the tongue easily: love, companionship, a desire to build a family. For others—especially those who’ve been married for years and have weathered both the highs and lows—the answer is a bit more complicated. And then there are those who hesitate, their silence heavy with unspoken thoughts they may not even want to acknowledge, to themselves or to others.
If you had asked me that question in the first 10 years of my marriage, I would have responded: because I loved Mr. Aisi. We were friends, shared a love for books and music, talked about everything and anything—and most importantly, he understood me and wanted me more than anyone else ever had.
If you had asked me the question in the second decade of our marriage, I would have responded that I really didn’t know. I couldn’t put in words how I felt about him, both of us had evolved over the years and although my intense need to be understood and wanted had waned, we still cared for one another, he was still the person who understood me the most despite our marital issues and that counted for a lot in my books, but I couldn’t pinpoint exactly why because it was a potpourri of several things, we had a long and intricate history and as the saying goes “deep waters run wide”.
Mr Aisi has been dead for 6+ years now and if he were to be alive we would have celebrated 31 years of marriage this month and still I have had cause to ask myself why I married him and till date I still pinpoint one reason as to why and the honest truth is that were I to be asked if I would still marry him having seen him at his worst and best I probably would say Yes with some few adjustments.
We all marry for different reasons.
Many women step into marriage with dreams of love, stability, and partnership. We are raised with the idea that marriage is a natural progression in life—finish school, get a job, get married, have children. For some, it’s about love, the desire to share life with someone who truly sees them. For others, it’s about security, knowing there’s someone to lean on emotionally, financially, or socially.
Then there’s identity—the coveted “Mrs” that opens the door to certain communities and conversations and also pressure from family and society, and even our own fears of being alone. Like me, some women marry because they think they’ve found a best friend; others because they don’t want to be the last single woman in their circle.
Men, on the other hand, often approach marriage differently. While love plays a role, many men marry because it’s the “right” thing to do at a certain stage of life. Some marry because they need a partner to build a home, someone to bear children, a status wife for her looks and family connections, the way she makes him feel, or a woman who brings peace and order into their world. Others marry because society expects them to—a man of a certain age and status should have a wife. For some men, marriage represents stability. It keeps them grounded, offers a sense of responsibility, and gives them a structured life.
No matter our reasons for getting married, reality often looks different from expectations. The man you married for love may become distant leaving you feeling like a single woman doing life all alone. The woman you married for companionship may become more focused on motherhood or career neglecting your needs. The excitement fades, routine sets in, and at some time we will all find ourselves wondering, Is this really what I signed up for?
One of the hardest things to accept in marriage is that both we and our partner will change in ways we cannot control and understand. The person we were and that we married at 25 will not be the same person at 40. Both our needs and wants will shift, priorities will evolve and we will outgrow some things and grow into some other things especially as we become older in age and more sure of who we are, and what we want out of life. Most times, change brings resentment either because we can’t get what we wanted or because the other person seems to be getting more out of the marriage.
I have discovered that resentment thrives in silence. If your marriage isn’t meeting your expectations, talk about it. Not just “You don’t make me happy anymore” but deeper conversations about what you both need and how to bridge the gaps. Avoid blame and focus on solutions. If you can’t handle it by yourselves, don’t hesitate to seek help—whether through counseling, mentorship, or even talking to older couples who have weathered storms. There’s no shame in admitting that marriage is hard and that you are struggling. Instead of resenting the change and fighting it , it would be wise to find ways to grow and enjoy life together.
A big mistake we make is expecting our spouses to be our everything. Our happiness, self-worth, and fulfillment should not rest solely on our marriage. Pursue hobbies, friendships, and personal growth. When you are fulfilled as an individual, you bring a better version of yourself into your marriage.
So maybe you didn’t get married for the “right reasons”. Or maybe you did, but life happened, and now you’re looking at your spouse, wondering how you got here. Unfortunately, marriage isn’t just about passion and romance—it’s also about partnership, friendship, and commitment. If you’re feeling unfulfilled, it may be time to redefine what marriage means to you. Maybe it’s not about being madly in love every day but about having someone who has your back. Maybe it’s about companionship rather than fireworks.
The real question isn’t just why did you get married?—it’s what will you do with the marriage you have now? The key is not in having the perfect marriage but in learning how to navigate its imperfections. And sometimes, the best thing you can do is shift your focus—not just on what your marriage was supposed to be, but on what you can still build from where you are.