As a young Christian, 2 Corinthians 6:14 -18 which states in part “Be not unequally yoked together with unbelievers, for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness…..” was used to admonish us to marry and have relationships with only people of our faith. It was the first criteria and in many instances, the only criteria we were told to look for in a friend, associate or partner. It was believed that by marrying a Christian one was assured of a successful marriage and that marrying a non-Christian was to have the devil as a father-in-law. It was also widely believed that one should not marry their friend unless one was sure that it was God’s will, as marriage was a serious matter and not subject to earthly and frivolous considerations like attraction, love and background influences.
I must confess that I believed the admonition of being unequally yoked in its entirety, after all, there were the Bible references and teachings on the subject, I however baulked at the notion that one shouldn’t marry their friend because I married mine and I couldn’t have imagined marrying someone I didn’t see as a friend.
Over the years, I have come to believe a little differently about how we have interpreted the scripture to mean that only people of the same faith and in particular the Christian faith make successful marriages. I have seen people who do not profess any religion or who are at best, marginal followers of their faith, have beautiful and enviable relationships. I have seen people who do not have the same faith enter into a business relationship or partnership which has thrived because they are decent people with shared values.
A recent post on Facebook on the importance of being yoked with a decent person regardless of their faith in the areas of marriage, business, professional associations and friendships, and the comments on that post reaffirmed my belief that one can be “unequally yoked” and still have a great relationship. Don’t misunderstand me. Whilst I do not doubt the fact that shared faith creates a powerful bond, I however believe that it is not the sole ingredient for a harmonious partnership otherwise we will not be seeing many Christians and Clergy in the divorce courts claiming that they have nothing in common with their spouses, testifying to horrendous behaviour on the part of their partners and acknowledging that they were led to marry them because of a prophesy or some sign they put out for confirmation.
Make no mistake, there is no doubt that faith offers moral guidelines, a sense of purpose, and a shared framework for life and that going to church together regularly inspires a commitment to love, forgiveness and selflessness, which can lay a solid foundation for marriage. There is no doubt also that it is better to believe the same things during trials, and that faith offers solutions to conflicts and reinforces the commitment to staying together, especially in tough times.
However, religion, though critical, often serves as the outer shell of a relationship’s moral compass. While faith may unify couples spiritually, it may not cover all the practical nuances of day-to-day life, which are governed more by individual values and preferences than by scripture Take, for example, a Christian couple who pray together daily and attend church every week but disagree on financial priorities.
The truth is that when couples do not share similar values, even with a shared faith, they risk creating a divide that grows deeper over time. Shared values act as a glue that binds couples on a deeper, more pragmatic level. They transcend religious beliefs and reflect an individual’s character, worldview, and priorities. Examples of values include integrity, family orientation, communication, trust, financial responsibility, and respect for others. These principles dictate how a person makes decisions, interacts with others, and views the world.
In marriage, we see these dynamics come into play in areas such as parenting where parties are not aligned in their values when it comes to raising their children, money matters, career and ambition where one partner values career advancement and the other priorities family life.
When a couple shares similar values, their approach to life becomes cohesive.They can work together more effectively, support one another’s decisions, and avoid major conflicts about what is “right” or “wrong” in various circumstances. If couples are aligned only by faith but not by values they are often surprised to encounter friction in their relationship and will mostly attribute their challenges to the work of the devil. Over time, mismatched values will leave one or both partners feeling unheard, unappreciated, or disconnected, leading to emotional isolation and thus misalignment reveals itself in various ways:
- Unmet Expectations:
When values differ, expectations clash and over time, such mismatched expectations can erode trust and foster resentment.
- Moral Dissonance:
Faith may teach concepts like forgiveness, patience, and self-control, but without shared values, partners may disagree on how these principles are applied. For example, a religious couple may argue about whether to prioritize taking care of aging parents or saving for their children’s education.
- Constant Conflict:
Differences in core values often manifest as repeated arguments about the same issues—sex, money, parenting, work-life balance, or extended family involvement. Such disputes can overshadow the spiritual foundation of the relationship and lead to bitterness.
So what exactly am I proposing? Should people marry anyone that meets their criteria for values relinquishing their faith? Or should they forsake their faith and marry anyone who ticks their boxes?
My answer is find the two in one person and don’t forsake the one for the other. The benefits are huge and include having a deeper understanding of one another, better conflict resolution -. For example, couples who both value respect are less likely to resort to insults during disagreements, even in moments of frustration, Increased trust and a stronger partnership.
Marriage is more than a spiritual bond—it is a partnership that thrives on alignment in faith and values. While shared faith is a beautiful and significant element of a relationship, it is not enough to sustain compatibility over the years. Couples who use their faith as a foundation for reflecting their values will build stronger, more resilient relationships that stand the test of time.