“Tufia kwa! Wedding kwa! When they are not doing me from the village!”
It was a question I asked and that was the vehement response I got!
I got several, from angry looks, to ‘Be careful I don’t slap you,’ looks.
And strangely enough, I got a few nods, a few, “why not?”
One said, “ …depends…”
A few weeks back, a friend posted the marriage photos of her ex-husband and his new bride on Instagram. Another friend in our circle, asked me to tell our friend to pull down the post. I am not sure our friend attended the wedding, though.
I didn’t think there was anything wrong with what our friend posted and so I didn’t call or message her to pull anything down.
All I saw was our friend wishing the new couple a happy marriage. She knew about the relationship a long time ago. She and her ex shared two little girls and they visited between the parents after they separated. Our friend knew her ex and his new bride were not planning to have more children not that it mattered to her. But the bride herself, being no spring chicken, had two hefty boys in their late teens. Our friend’s daughters had told her, “Daddy said his new wife will not have more children.”
Posting their photos mean jealousy
I didn’t tell our friend to pull down the Instagram wedding photos, I felt she was genuine in her wish.
The other friends in our circle told me differently, though. One person said, “Why did she have to post? Must she post it? It’s not right”
Well, if posting is her thing, who’s to say she shouldn’t?
Another said, “She is doing “oju aiye,” meaning she wants the world to see her as the victim. This is a deceptive way of portraying herself as the good person who had been wronged.
Again, I do not agree with this in this particular instance and so I still refrained from calling or messaging our common friend about her posts. I simply took it to mean she meant well.
Now, to the question, would I attend an ex’s wedding?
I don’t need to think much about it. My answer is:
“If get the invite, I may go.”
“May” meaning it’s dependent on a number of things:
1-I am cordial with my ex, so why not?
2-Ours was not an acrimonious divorce, so I just may.
3-I have spoken to my “new wife,” on the phone and I quite like her; so I may.
4-I do not think she bears any ill against my children, why make it awkward for her, my children and myself- so, I may.
5- However, if my current partner objects, then I won’t go.
So will I be considered a hypocrite if I genuinely wish my ex well? Seeing especially that we didn’t exactly have a thriving relationship while we were together and we have both moved on to different relationships where we found happiness?
I think our friend is sincere
Will he being happy/unhappy diminish or increase my own happiness?
No.
I think our friend is genuine.
Now if I post wedding photos of him and his new wife, signing off on a happy note, why can’t I be considered sincere in my wish for them to find happiness?
Our friend appears sincere to me here.
I agree it’s juvenile to simply say because the right boxes are ticked, the well-wisher is sincere.
I have seen a few Nigerian families who have found a way to have this kind of arrangement. For the sake of the children involved, for the sake of even the adults involved, there has been as little acrimony as possible. They invite one another to events and some of these events are honoured. They have evolved a system where sometimes outsiders are asking, “Are they back together again?”
“I thought they were divorced, what are they doing together in the same space?”
What this means is that divorce or separation should not be the end of our relationships. While I agree there are extenuating circumstances that totally disable any form of friendship after a divorce, I still think for the sake of our sanity, we should learn to move on.
He/she gets married again and their wedding photos repulse you?
Do what the experts say
Experts will tell you that we can’t successfully move on with our lives if we remain in constant acrimony with our ex-es, especially where children are involved.
The way I see ex-es, we were bad for each other, now we have found people we are good with, why do we keep looking back to fling dirt on one another over past hurts?
Oh, I know some hurts will never heal.
I’m aware some broken hearts will never mend but these hurts will continue to fester and consume us eventually if, we hold on to them for too long.
I am not belittling grievous hurts and harm done by former spouses or former partners to one another, no. God knows I have heard stories that leave my jaws on the floor for hours, yet, I know counsellors will tell you to let it go….for your own peace of mind.