The ongoing brouhaha between Yul Edochie, his wife May and his hitherto baby mama now second wife Judy Austin has again brought to the fore the never-ending conversation on the merits and demerits of polygamy and monogamy
From the gists circulating around town, Yul who was very vocal on the benefits of a monogamous marriage was said to have had an affair with Judy Austin which resulted in her being pregnant. It is said that Judy insisted not only on having the baby but on marriage and to pacify her, a secret traditional wedding was celebrated when she had the child. In a bid to forestall the news being released on social media blogs and maybe avoid being blackmailed, Yul presented the child and his mother to the world at large.
As to be expected, opinions are rife about the situation and whilst many people, women in particular, have condemned Yul’s action and the double standards of many men, who expect their wives to remain in the marriage even when they marry another wife but who cannot bear to share their wives with other men, a good number of people have commended him for not only owning up to his actions, accepting the child, but for legalising the relationship between himself and Judy Austin stating that it is better to be polygamous than to commit adultery.
Polygamy is as old as humanity itself. It’s been with us from the time of the fathers and will continue to be with us till the world as we know it comes to an end. It has featured in all the religions and cultures of the world. It is outlawed in many countries but practiced secretly and sometimes openly in all. A lot of men look at the animal kingdom, traditional culture and even religion to justify their polygamous nature.
On the other hand, monogamy is relatively new and it is synonymous with the Christian faith as it can be rightly said that it spread around the world with the growth of the gospel which likens marriage with the relationship that Christ has with the church. The Bible preaches one man one wife but we are seeing more and more people of the Christian faith who posit that Christianity is not against the marrying of more than one wife and that the only scriptures relating to being the husband of one wife are directed to men who want to have positions of leadership such as pastors or deacons in the church .
It is understandable why people especially men become involved in extra marital relationships. The desire to be with someone new, sexual variety, the fact that the beautiful ones are not yet born, the arrival of oneself and riches, sexual dissatisfaction with one’s partner are all factors. On the other hand, it is understandable why many women find it difficult to understand why married men desire to have sex with or marry another woman. Like men, most women are very territorial and do not like sharing their men whether or not their religion permits it. Deep down most of us do not like to think that our unique relationship with a man can be and is being reproduced with another woman.
Polygamy thrived in the olden days because there was a need for large families to toil the soil in an agrarian economy. Infant mortality was rife and men needed to produce as many children as possible so they could have heirs to survive them; the largeness of a man’s family showed his prowess, wealth and strength and finally women needed men to protect, provide, shelter and care for them and their children. The benefits of polygamy today are said to be the eradication of sexual boredom, low rates of divorce and infidelity, the care and protection of women who may not have had the opportunity to marry or bear children due to the paucity of eligible men and the curbing of promiscuity and sexual immorality.
It is undisputed that at first sight, monogamy presumes that the relationship between man and wife is a loving and committed partnership and is more to be desired than polygamy where the affections of the husband are divided. The truth however, is that many monogamous marriages are monogamous in name only as either one or both partners have found ways of satisfying their need for sex and companionship outside the marriage. It is this state of affairs that makes some sense of the argument by some people, that having multiple wives makes for better marriages and that polygamy is better than a situation where a man has one wife and many side chicks.
In all the arguments for Polygamy the one that infuriates me the most is that polygamy is better than adultery and the more I think about this theory, I wonder if polygamy has not become an acceptable, convenient and legal cover for adultery especially as marrying multiple wives has not stopped men from chasing other women outside their homes and being the member of a harem has not stopped women from having affairs.
My stance on the readiness of men to pull out the “man is inherently polygamous” card which most men are loathe to admit even to themselves is that they lack the ability to discipline their bodies, desire, wants and lusts. The truth is that both men and women are polygamous by nature but most women are able to refrain from multiple sexual affairs because they are better equipped to put their desires and urges under control. Why women are better adapted to do so maybe because Sex for them is more emotional than physical but the truth is that women too get turned on by looks and body parts just like men.
This is not to say that polygamy is bad. For some men and women, it is their way of life and they make no excuses about their choices and are clear about it. There are women that are suited to polygamy, they are the women who become 2nd, 3rd 4th, 5th …… wives. They know they are not the only ones and they don’t want to be, some of them love their men deeply and accept his other women but these women were well informed of their positions before they came into the marriage and though they may cry foul when another wife is brought in after them they don’t dare complain much seeing that they too met other women in the house.
What I am trying to say in essence is that if feel you are polygamous, let your partner know from the onset, don’t spring surprises on them midway, don’t assume that they will fall in line and be satisfied with the position of being the 1st in your harem like I suppose Yul Edochie, who had the guts to post his wife’s picture with the caption “undisputed first wife” recently did, don’t be hypocritical leading them to belief that you are totally with them whereas you have divided yourself amongst many others.
The truth is that learning to discipline one’s self is one of the hardest things to do and most men will not do it because it is easier to lay the blame on their perceived nature than it is to say No to desires and lusts which may be fulfilling at first but which are certain to bring unsavory complications to their lives and that of their loved ones, hence, the assurance that the arguments surrounding polygamy and monogamy are guaranteed to be with us for a very long time still.