“You are not the most beautiful woman, neither are you the most intelligent woman but I have chosen to never find perfection in anyone else. I put my gaze on you and with that commitment we would mould ourselves for ourselves. Our perfection is in our commitment. Stating that you are not the most beautiful/ intelligent may sound like it’s not a compliment yeah? But it’s a realistic basis for true love. Acknowledging that my woman isn’t the best but I am not looking for the best. I was looking for you and I found you. There’s no best, there’s just someone you choose and see the best in them. This to me is the real love. Not the one that consoles itself in the faux reality that their partner is the most good looking, most intelligent, most successful person in the world. That’s disingenuous and doesn’t give room for love to thrive. My love for you isn’t about you being the best, it’s about you being you. There’s just no other you. I love you Ayanfe, I’m committed to you. I miss you so much! But my love for you is stronger than distance.”
These were the words penned by Solomon Buchi a relationship coach on his instagram handle @solomon_buchi to his fiancée Arike. The words have travelled around the world eliciting responses both locally and internationally, they have been the subject of threads, posts on global online magazines such as E!News, The shaderoom and debates on talk shows such as Whoppi Goldberg’s The View Show Today. They have been the subject of scorn and backlash, applauded, denounced, adopted, questioned and reviewed by many.
Women in particular, have rushed to advice Arike pointing out the post was condescending, denigrating, disrespectful and demeaning and that it showed that Solomon was an insecure man and an emotional abuser. Some said that it spoke volumes of her being the second best and that Solomon settled for her because no one better had agreed to marry him but that he was likely to leave her if someone better than her crossed his path.
I read the post and I didn’t see what those calling him out saw in it that made them so upset. Was he not telling the truth when he said his Arike is not the most beautiful or intelligent woman? Is it not true that there is no best person but that we choose to see the best in whomsoever we are with?
It beats me how people choose to see evil in the truth that was expressed in a beautiful and loving manner.
I believe that most of the problems in relationships stem from the fact that we have been sold a lie that there is a happily thereafter somewhere, that there is just one person in this world of billions of people who is our perfect match and that until we find them we will be unhappy in love and that if we do not find them anyone we choose to settle down with is our second best. This thinking has contributed to the comments following Mr. Buchi ‘s post because people seem to think that loving someone means not acknowledging their flaws and imperfection.
I get the impression that for many of us women and even men, we would rather our partners lie to us that we are the most beautiful, intelligent, handsome or rich person even when we know fully well that they are lying. I wonder why we prefer delusion to truth and why it’s easier to accept lies (especially when we know them to be lies), than to ask for the truth but I guess that most of us have not accepted our flaws and so cannot bear for them to be pointed out to us. Also germane is the fact, that the truth is difficult to handle and many of us would rather be self deluded than face our insecurities. I must say also that sometimes those that love us lie to us in order to avoid arguments, to protect us from being hurt, disappointed and upset and to protect themselves of being judged for expressing their opinion.
We will all discover albeit late in life, that real and true love is always flawed and the earlier we acknowledge this fact, the better for us as we will in doing so save ourselves a lot of heartache. The truth is that no one’s wife will forever be the most beautiful or intelligent woman even if they were once crowned Miss Universe and no one’s husband will be the most handsome or richest man out there even if he is on today’s Forbes richest list. We will always meet people with better attributes than that of our partners before and after committing to them.
Being truthful with our lovers makes for a better relationship because we don’t have illusions about how perfect our lives together will be, we are able to cut each other some slack in the knowledge that we are not perfect and most importantly we are able to enjoy what we have and not what we wish we had.
I have always liked my lovers to tell me the truth even though it hurts. I like true feedback rather than sugar coated lies, so if I am not a good cook tell me and I may take up cooking lessons or outsource cooking. If I am not good in bed, let me know, I will prefer to up my game than find out that sex is an endurance test for my partner. In everything, I would rather the truth than lies, rather the knowledge of who I am ,where I stand than living a delusion.
The truth may hurt and most times it does but it’s a good lover that will see your flaws and still love you. It’s a good lover that will tell you to your face that you are imperfect but will find that part of you that is perfect, it’s a good lover that will commit him or herself to you in spite of your imperfections. As Whoppi put it, it’s a good lover that will tell you your pants are too small for your butt rather than let you wear it out.
If we want long lasting relationships we must brace up to hear and tell the truth in a loving manner to our partners, a relationship where we cannot be real to and with ourselves may be doomed to fail.