Why do men cheat?
I have asked that question a myriad of times and although I have heard many reasons I still don’t have an answer as to why the male species tend to be unsatisfied with having one woman, why he will have a woman who loves him, is beautiful, intelligent and enviable and still cheat on her, why he cannot be satisfied with being with one woman year in, year out?
Some say it has to do with power, age, immaturity, ego, unfulfilled needs, respect issues etc, most agree that it is inherent and that “man” is not monogamous by nature.
Men and women cheat but it is widely acknowledged that men cheat more than women though the infidelity gap is decreasing as the society is becoming more liberal and women are becoming more self aware and financially independent.
I have found it rather surprising when a man cheats and tells his partner that the other woman did not mean anything to him, that it was just a fling , that he was just flirting ,that she threw herself at him and he had no choice, or that it just happened.
I have wondered why a man thinks that if he is responsible financially and a good father, his wife is expected to overlook his indiscretions from time to time and why society will also berate her for wanting him to be faithful emotionally and sexually.
I am not a feminist per se, but I believe that men and women are equals and that what is good for the goose is good for the gander. I believe that women have the same right as men to demand faithfulness from their partners and that both parties ought to respect the sanctity of their relationship.
I am amused when a man cheats and expects his partner if she finds out, to forgive him, forget his indiscretions and is upset if she takes time getting over it but can’t seem to get over the fact that she cheated on him and finds it almost impossible to forget or forgive her and this is true even when he is cheating on her.
What makes one offense better than the other, why can a man get away with it and the woman bears the shame of it? Why do men expect the woman to sweep their indiscretions under the carpet and continue as before? Why does he expect that simply saying “ I am sorry “ is enough to atone for his actions?
Most men don’t understand what infidelity does to a woman. Most of us married our husbands because we loved him, not just because of what he brings to the table (that is important but not the main reason otherwise we would not have started out with you in that one room apartment, without a car, etc). We married because we felt at last we had found someone we could exclusively call our own, because we felt some form of security in his affections.
So you can imagine the heartache, the pain, the anguish, the sorrow a woman goes through when she finds out her husband has had or is having an affair. The feelings she has when she thinks of him looking at another woman the way he looks at her during lovemaking, the fact that she is not the only one that occupies his fantasies, the shame when she finds out that other people were aware of the other woman whilst she had been carrying her head high as the only woman in his life.
An affair is especially devastating to a woman because we are relationship based, our primary source of validation is found in the health of our relationships and not our achievements. When our relationships collapse, our self worth is affected and it affects all areas of our lives because it tells us the following :
- That we are not enough- not loving enough, not special enough, not attractive enough, can’t satisfy our men’s needs adequately. (That’s the reason why the second wife who comes into the marriage thinking she has all that the first wife lacks , throws a tantrum when her husband marries the third wife ).
- That we don’t matter- that our sacrifices in the past and present are not enough to stop our men from cheating on us. That whatever we do or did, no matter how much we sacrifice our needs and desires to accommodate theirs, it doesn’t count much in the face of a man’s desires and actions.
- That we are dispensable – there is always a newer model of us out there waiting to come home.
- That we cannot afford to trust you or anyone – that’s the reason for “all men are scum” , “all men are the same”. Trust which leads to security in every relationship is destroyed and we don’t feel safe or secure in the wake of infidelity.
Although more women are increasingly walking out of marriages because of infidelity, leaving men who are bewildered because they’ve seen their mothers stay in their marriages even though their husbands were unfaithful, most women stay with a cheating partner because they tend to be more concerned about what the society expects from them and the effect leaving will have on their children and status.
Also a lot of women are financially dependent on their men and some to their chagrin find out they still love their men in-spite of his indiscretions.
Most men don’t want to acknowledge the reasons why they cheat but I am of the firm belief , although I have no research backing my claims that, lack of self control and lack of discipline and self centeredness are the root causes of infidelity especially for a man.
The truth is there will always be a more beautiful, younger, sexier, intelligent, attractive woman than your partner so please learn to be more circumspect in your dealings with the fairer sex.
To the woman who has found out her partner has cheated on her please know that you are not to blame. Men cheat for different reasons and whilst you may have contributed to those reasons the choice was theirs and theirs to make . In the aftermath of it all , do what becomes you. We all have different thresholds don’t let anyone make you feel less of a woman for leaving or staying .
We all marry for different reasons.