I am a happy go lucky person. I generally do not sweat the small stuff and I have an open door policy without much reservations about people’s behaviour. I do not voice out my needs in my relationships mainly because I assume that people should know what I want and what is expected of them and that they should treat me the way I would treat them and so you can imagine my shock when some years ago I went to visit a very close friend of mine and she accused me of crossing boundaries because I toured her house (without removing anything from anywhere) whilst she was away at work. She compared me with a mutual friend who she said stayed put where she kept her without attempting to see the outlay of her house. Incidentally, I was much closer to her than our mutual friend who takes liberties when in my house but keeps to some hidden rules in our friends house.
The behaviour of my two friends got me thinking about why our mutual friend would not dare relate with my close friend, the way she did with me. At first I thought it was as a result of my person and the fact that I am quite open and that our friend had changed somewhat over the years but I am gradually realising that it’s because I have not clearly set nor communicated my boundaries and rules to others and I have permitted them to treat me in the ways they think is acceptable to me even though those ways may not be agreeable to me.
Do you find it difficult to say no, feel that you are often taken advantage of, people ask you for help or seek you for answers to their problems a lot, you give way more than you get, people don’t care about how you really feel so far their needs are met, you are easily manipulated, you are made to feel selfish when you do things that give you joy or peace of mind. If you said yes to at least one of these questions it just may be that you are struggling with having and enforcing boundaries in your relationships.
There are several reasons why we don’t set boundaries it may be that we are too timid to put our foot down as to what we want because of our personality type or upbringing, we have low self esteem issues, we don’t want to come off as being fastidious, we are people pleasers, we respect the person especially when they are parents, superiors or older than us and we are afraid of rejection from people.
Boundaries are defined by the dictionary as a line which marks the limits of an area, a dividing line and a border. In relationships, they help each person figure out where one person ends and the other begins and help define what one is comfortable with and how one would like to be treated by the other. They also set the expectations we have when dealing with others and vice versa. Boundaries may be communicated either by one’s mannerisms, actions or by their words and they can relate to the following
physical things- like clothes, hair, toys etc e.g please don’t wear my clothes or touch my hair or face.
Emotions- please don’t ask me what I feel or think about certain situations, things or people .
Time – don’t barge into my space when I am working without regard for what I am doing, or commit me to things without my consent and permission.
Sexual- don’t assume that I want to have sex with you, practice some sexual acts or styles with you because I am married to you or sleep on the same bed with you.
Financial- please ask me before you spend my money that happens to be in your possession or don’t ask me to account for how I spend my money..
Boundaries increase one’s sense of self worth and ensure that people know how to relate with us. The people we think are particular about their time, the way people treat them and their possessions have probably set boundaries as to how others should relate with them. Setting one’s boundaries is an exercise in mindfulness which comes with maturity. Little children don’t have boundaries, they barge into our space whenever and wherever they feel like following us into the toilet, pushing their toys or whatever interests them into our hands, commanding our time without caring about what’s on our agenda or schedule but as they grow and start to have a sense of self, they begin to see that they are independent beings and understand the concept of privacy and boundaries.
Mindfulness because we will need to ask ourselves questions to know what makes us comfortable or uncomfortable, what is important and of priority to us and how we want people to treat us. Personally, the most important question I asked myself was why do I feel people take advantage of me and the answer to that question helped me see where I was lacking boundaries in my relationships.
It’s one thing to know how we want to be treated and it’s another thing to communicate same clearly and effectively and I understand that some of us will find it difficult to communicate our expectations of others in relating to us because we think people will see us as having changed or becoming too big for our shoes when we find our voice in the relationship and state what we like, dislike, will take or reject in the relationship.
In communicating our boundaries, it is very important that we state the consequences for crossing them e.g if you borrow my clothes please wash and iron them before returning them otherwise I will not allow you to burrow them again or, if you speak disrespectfully to me again I will not take your calls again or please knock before you enter my room otherwise I would not listen to what you have to say. I can tell you that communicating your boundaries will involve having difficult conversations and that there will be resistance to your demands not necessarily because the other party does not want to respect your decisions but because it represents a change in the dynamics of the relationship which the person may not be ready for. A way to know when you are being disrespected is when people persistently disregard boundaries after becoming aware of them. It is however important that you stand your ground and be consistent in enforcing the boundaries even if you want to falter sometimes.
Boundaries work both ways and if someone has set boundaries and communicated the same to you like my close friend did, please accept and respect their boundaries even if it doesn’t make sense to you or you think your relationship has moved past that level. It just may be a mechanism for coping with the person. This is especially true with parents and children because parents tend to cross boundaries with their adult children in the mistaken belief that they have a right to since they are their parents.
The main fallout of not having boundaries is resentment. Resentment as to why we are being treated in the manner we don’t like but the blame really lies on us for not standing up for ourselves and allowing ourselves to be treated in ways that hurt us.
Today I would like you to take a look at your relationships, especially the ones you feel some resentment building up in, it may be that it is as a result of disrespecting boundaries and once you identify why you are resentful please mark out the boundaries, communicate and enforce the same.
Finally, do note that boundaries can be shifted and may be temporary or permanent depending on what they seek to achieve.
