Daniel was a comfortable man by many standards. He was a good provider paying his children’s fees and upkeep even after his marriage broke down and his wife left, taking their children with her. Upon starting a new family, he diverted all his wealth and attention on them, ensuring they had the best of life he could afford whilst his older children managed with the little he remembered to send their way.
Tunde was a hard worker, conscientious and responsible at least in the early years of his marriage until he started earning millions. As it is often the case, with money came temptations and he fell hard. He who had been taking care of his family with little, couldn’t take care of them with much and so he left it to his wife to put food on the table, burrowed from her to pay school fees and the house rent through it all, especially because his wife covered for him, he remained close to his children meeting their emotional but not financial needs.
Charles walked away from his marriage. He buys his children expensive toys and gadgets and gives them the freedoms they don’t enjoy at home when they spend holidays with him, but never pays for the essentials like rent, feeding or school fees nor is he emotionally available when they need his presence.
Jerome was determined not to be like his deadbeat father, he pays all financial obligations, is at most school functions, fulfills his obligations to his children but finds it difficult to connect emotionally with them because as far as he is concerned, he is their father and not their friend.
It’s Father’s Day on the 18th of June, a day set apart to celebrate fatherhood and the role of fathers. Many men question why mothers are more celebrated than fathers, and they are somewhat envious of the elevated status of the role of a mother in a child’s life. These men have just cause to so question especially because before the 70s it was the thinking that fathers didn’t play as important a role as mothers and were disposable figures in the development of the child. Thankfully, research now shows that the role of a father cannot be overemphasised or filled in the life of a child. It is a lie to say that a child doesn’t need a father or a father figure in their lives and I think men tell themselves a big lie when they think that their role in the lives of their children will not be felt especially when the relationship with the mothers falls apart.
What is fatherhood?
We all know that the singular act of sex does not make a man a father. Fatherhood is a huge responsibility that starts long before a child is born and ends when one dies. It’s about being a provider, support, teacher, protector and cheerleader to the people who bear your surname and lineage. A good father is a man who cares deeply about his children and shows it, he is a man who fulfills his responsibilities both to his children and their mother, he is a man who is a role model both for his female and male children.
It is proven that our fathers not only influence us but our relationships with other men. Daughters tend to choose partners who remind them positively or negatively of their fathers and sons aspire to be or not to be like their fathers depending on their relationship with him. Children depend on their fathers for stability and security in their lives and if a father is to be likened to an inanimate object, I would choose an anchor.
Can a child survive without a father?
Of course yes! As surely as a child can survive without a mother’s love, so can he or she survive without a father’s presence. However, survival is different from thriving for it is possible to look good on the outside whilst one is damaged on the inside and I make bold to say that the absence of a father’s presence in every child leaves a bit of damage to their psyche, esteem and self worth.
Can a bad husband be a good father ?
It is true that if a man loves his wife he tends to be a good father but it is not sacrosanct that for a man to be a good father he must be a good husband. Relationships sometimes sadly come to an end because of many factors but it need not impact the relationship parents have with their children least of all that of a father with his children. I know men that have been left holding the baby when their marriages fell apart or men that have remarried other women and still have a good relationship with their children from the previous marriages. The key to remember in situations such as this is that the ill-health or death of a marriage need not affect the children so as to destroy the parental relationships.
Will a child always come looking for a father who left him or her after the marriage failed.
Many men walk away from failed relationships many a time boasting that their children will look for them and it is true! Most children will look for their fathers sometimes sneaking behind their mothers to receive favours from him mainly because children especially in their teenage years are selfish and self seeking willing to sell themselves to the highest bidder that will give them what they need but it’s only for a while until they can provide the things the father is providing for themselves. That’s when most fathers wake up in the twilight of their years to find out that their children related with them solely for what they could get and not because they approved of them and that when they came looking for them it was for what they could get from them and not because of an emotional connection.
Fatherhood just like motherhood is a difficult job and men are worse off because mothers seem to know what to do instinctively and fare better at bonding with the child because they suckle them and stay with them for longer periods at a time , thankfully society is beginning to recognize and encourage the important roles father’s play in shaping a child.
Dare I say that what makes a man a good father is not all about being a provider but a protector and a safe place. I recently followed a thread on Twitter that asked followers to comment on how they knew they were loved at home, it was interesting to note that of all those who spoke about their fathers, there was no mention of his historical role of being a provider, instead they spoke about their fathers being (a) supportive, one spoke about how she came late after a city wide traffic lockdown to find her father by the gate waiting for her (b) protective- one spoke about her father confronting the class bully when she was in primary school and (c ) caring- how he visited in school bringing food and provisions.
There are so many fathers doing good by their children and it is only right that they are celebrated everyday and not just on a special day so to every father who sacrifices so his children can get the best of everything he wasn’t able to get or get more than he got growing up, to that father who stays in that shitty thankless job so he can provide for his family, to that father who has done all kinds of jobs working from dawn to dusk to bring home the bacon no matter how small, to that father who is proud of having just daughters or a special needs child, to that father who attends PTA and is not afraid to be the only man amongst women in school events, to that father who is trying to depart from the bad examples he was shown and who is not afraid to support his children publicly, to that father who fights so hard to have access to his children after a failed marriage, to that father who is fathering children born under his hearth that are not his blood and flesh , I say thank you and Happy Father’s Day.
May you reap the fruits of the seeds sown in the lives of your children and may they in turn make you proud, celebrate and honour you all their lives.