I spoke with two matured single men recently; both of them are in their fifties and divorced, in response to my curiosity about their love life and if they had any significant other, the first man said that there was someone in his life however, although she thinks she is in a relationship with him, he is not in one with her. The second man said he had someone he had been dating for two years, they stay together from time to time, but that in the past 10 months things had changed, she was still in his bed but there was no sex. He had told her that it was over between them, but she is still acting as if there is still a relationship between them.
I understood where these men were coming from, they had been married and divorced, had strong relationships after their marriages that had failed and though they yearned for feminine companionship they were both weary and wary of the games, the expectations and the commitment that goes with a relationship. They wanted the advantages associated with relationships but not its duties and obligations. They wanted to be able to cut their losses and move on quickly from any relationship that was not serving its purpose.
For most people in situation-ships, they get into it either because they were deeply hurt in their past relationships and cannot afford to trust their hearts with someone else, or it’s a compromise, a stop gap, something to meet their physical needs until they find that person. For others, especially the GenZ who have taken to it like ducks to water as indicated by a 2022 Tinder young singles survey young people from ages 18-25 are embracing it as a valid relationship status “tending to portray themselves as single but at the same time have no immediate intent to end the liaison” says Elizabeth Armstrong, the chair of the University of Michigan Department of Sociology.
The word situation-ship is defined as a romantic or sexual relationship that is undefined and non-committal. It is said to be that space between a committed relationship and something that is more than a friendship. The determining word being noncommittal. It is said to be different from being friends with benefits. In friends with benefits or booty calls, there is an understanding by both partners that there is no future for them and that they are using each other for the time being for whatever reasons best known to them whilst in situation-ships one person usually thinks they have a future together whilst the other person doesn’t.
Apparently, from what these men told me, many people are in situation-ships, even many that may be married, for situation ships can be found at the beginnings of a relationship or the ending of a marriage. For some, it is a conscious act usually because they see no better alternative for the moment whilst for many, especially those that are married it is unconscious and a sign of a dying marriage and the change in their relationship even though they may choose not to acknowledge the fact.
You should know you are in a situation ship, if your partner is not ready or cannot commit, if they want all the benefits of a relationship especially sexual favors but remain open to other affairs or interests, If the person creates impenetrable boundaries and does not give you access to other important areas of their lives, if there is no exclusivity and there are other partners fulfilling different roles in your lives, if there are no or few deep conversations signaling a desire to know you better , if their attention and availability is not a given but is subject to feelings and desirability of the moment, if both of you can’t seem to agree on how to define the relationship.
Whilst I understand the pull of being in a situation ship for people it has its own drawbacks chief of which is an emotional disconnect. The amazing thing is that this disconnect affects both parties- one of them becomes desensitized and unable to express emotions, losing the ability and willingness to feel deeply and genuinely for the other and towards themselves because they will not give themselves the freedom to love and commit even if they wanted to, the other becomes more frenzied in the desire to get affection and love and loses themselves. This emotional disconnect may lead to emotional distress especially if one partner begins to want more than they are getting. The truth is that sex makes it rather difficult for people to maintain a neutral attitude. Not only that, but one is also not free to truly express themselves and how they feel because you don’t want to offend the other person having signed up for a non committed relationship.
Also it brings to the fore or strengthens the feeling of unworthiness on the part of the person who wants more, as they begin to wonder why they are not worthy of commitment and exclusivity. It breeds resentment as one party begins to feel used because they are not getting what they want or in the measures they want to receive.
Like all things , there are advantages to situationships especially if both parties are honest with themselves and some of those advantages are that there is no accountability to the other person, you are your own person and are free to come and go as you like, you can be selfish in the relationship doing what you want and putting yourself first every time rather than pandering to the needs of your partner and for those who really don’t know what they want it allows for time to get to know someone and themselves before making the decision.
In all relationships, especially where sex and emotions become involved, there will come a time when partners have to define what they are into, especially when one party wants out, someone catches feelings and it is not reciprocated, there are concerns about unsafe sex or boundaries becoming broken. My advice is have strong conversations, know what you want and don’t be ashamed to ask for it, don’t be deluded, read the signs on the wall and believe them and NEVER, NEVER beg for love or think you are unworthy of commitment.