Love is a many splendoured thing — Tara Aisida

I watched a couple being interviewed on an instagram page and they were not overly exuberant in their display of love, but one could see that they were smitten by one another and very considerate about each others’ feelings. They gave off a new love vibe, and I, like many others, honestly thought their relationship was at most a year old only to find out that they had been together for 11 years. They made love look so easy, but I am sure that it took a lot of alignment for them to get to where they are now. 

I guess we have romance books, movies, television shows & series, and RnB songs to thank for the misconception that love just happens or is easy and that if we don’t always feel in love then it’s not worth it. I personally think that the fallacy that love is or should be easy is the reason why we are having so many divorces among our youth. A lot of them have bought into the fairy tale of lived happily ever after and it’s time we begin to sit them down to tell them what it has taken us to build the relationships that we have. 

We need to explain the different but equally important components that make up love. We need to tell them that the initial feelings of attraction and excitement, have an expiry period and that whilst those feelings might intoxicate at first, the addiction to the newness of the relationship will wear out and they may not be able to recreate the exact same feelings ever again not because they don’t want them but because feelings change after you get to know a person better and on a deeper level. We might as well let them know that the feelings of intoxication will die down after a while in every relationship regardless of who they are with.

They need to understand that no matter how good the sex might be between them, they will find that it would soon not be enough and cannot make up for the deficiencies in other areas in their lives. This is especially true in the case of men because although sex means a lot to them it doesn’t necessarily close their eyes to other areas of inadequacies. They need to know also, that there will be dry spells of intimacy for stretches of time between them and for reasons totally unconnected with the way they truly feel about themselves e.g childbirth, financial downturn, death of a loved one, etc.

They need to understand that there will be power struggles between them which will occur once they have gotten to know one another and are trying to share their lives together. It’s important to note that these struggles are sometimes on a subconscious level and arise from their differing experiences, views, opinions and perspectives to areas of life and that the way they resolve the struggles will affect how easy their love and lives will be. The truth is that this is where many relationships go south because we are not always equipped emotionally to communicate our needs and listen and hear what someone is saying without thinking they are attacking, questioning or disrespecting us. 

They need to understand that love is a commitment to the good and bad side of their partner. Love is sticking with someone through good and bad, knowing what they are capable of doing or even having knowledge of what they have done which may hurt immensely.  It’s giving their partner the second, third, fourth, fifth …chance of becoming the person they want to become so far, they are truthful and working hard towards the change. 

Some say love is easy with the “right partner” but is that really true? Does being with the right partner make everything fall into sync. I think being with the right person makes love easier but not easy. Most times the right person is usually someone who is self aware, sensitive and emotionally mature and who makes you fall in love with yourself and see yourself through their lenses and many a time they have had to come to the place they are at as a result of other failed relationships. 

Have you ever thought about why Love is so hard? I have, especially when I see two people who genuinely like themselves and have all it takes to make a relationship work but can’t seem to do so. Love isn’t easy because we are basically selfish beings who no matter what we profess first look to the well being of ourselves. A lot of people are reluctant to give of themselves if they are not assured of the same level of reciprocity forgetting that to reap, you must first sow. 

Love isn’t easy due to Fear, especially the fear of being taken advantage of.  Fear makes us harden our hearts to love and makes us want to interpose the dynamics of past relationships, on the present one. I have seen people motivated by fear, imagine scenarios that are not real about their partners which they in turn use to justify their fears.

Love isn’t easy because of false expectations. Truth be told, we come into marriage with different expectations of what it should be like and the baggage of our parent’s relationship and in so doing we tend to look past our partner’s individuality and generalize on who they should be and what they should bring to the table. 

Love isn’t easy because of the hard work of committing to another person. Committing to anything or anyone takes discipline and not everyone is willing to wait around until their partner becomes a better version of themselves. 

The main ingredient to ensuring love is easy is the willingness to be vulnerable and truthful with one another. Until we take off our masks and let our significant other access into our lives and in turn be safe places for them, love will not be easy to give or receive. 

The act of love is easy,” it’s loving – the act of balancing your needs with loving someone else the way they want and need to be loved, finding the right balance between give and take, a combination of selfish and selfless that’s hard.–   Marissa Donnelly