I’m almost 53 but I often hear people say I don’t look it. I take those as compliments.
So, there was this day I had to rush to the bank. I had made an online transaction that was reversed twice; at that time, I didn’t know it was reversed because the supplier I transferred to kept telling me he hadn’t got any alert and I had done the transfer twice, so without even taking a shower, I just washed my face, brushed my locs, wore a dress and dashed out of the house; no makeup on.
At this age, appearances aren’t top of the list for me; so I didn’t much care about my looks.
I drove to the bank and you know how busy some branches can be with little parking spaces? I was trying to squeeze my Prado into a slot when this young guy who had obviously finished his business in the bank was pulling out in his Toyota Camry.
I blared my horn because I saw he was going to ram into me but it was either he didn’t hear me or had seen me and gauged that he could still maneuver his way out.
I rushed out of my car to tell him off but this guy came out of his car, in his tontiri trouser that did not reach his ankle, walked to me, sized me up and said: ‘You won’t be a bad mama for me to date. Imagine my Camry ramming into your Prado, that would be lovely.’
I wasn’t smiling because if he had hit me, there was every likelihood that I would be the one fixing my own car. These un-serious boys, like danfo drivers, will only beg and prostrate and wail and pray for you, laslas you will go fix your car yourself.
But I was left open mouthed.
Henh! Me? Mother of two giant sons busy looking for school fees to pay their tuition abroad?
Nothin wey Musa no go see for gate!
A week later, I needed to follow-up on a business I had been chasing for sometime; I went to the office – it’s a government deal, by the way – I went to the office that had been holding my papers to get updates, hitherto, my assistant had been the one making that run. When I got there, I met with their overall boss, that was after waiting for more than one hour. The boss called in one of his assistants to be part of our meeting. Guess who it was? That boy I saw at the bank.
That’s how it all began.
I acted like I had never seen him, small boy o, maybe in his early-thirties. He was all, madam this, madam that. After our meet, he followed me out, all officious and telling me not to worry. He asked for my number, ‘to keep you updated’ and I took his. In my mind I was wondering, what does this boy think he is doing?
He began to call, and all the while, I ensured our convo was strictly business. But he would steer it to tell me how much he admires me, how much he does this and that. I would tell him to tell that to girls his age. He confessed he had a girlfriend but was steering clear of her, because he saw her with an expensive wrist watch he didn’t buy for her, plus some other items he claimed he found on her that he knew couldn’t have been bought by her parents either.
I played along because I had business matters to pursue.
Was I flattered? Hell no. The boy didn’t know jack; he had seen Prado and big office and he felt I will spend money on him, bobo don miss road. Shinshin, I no get even sef, the small pay packet he has, I will demand from him; he will be the one to give me from his thin wallet.
I mean, who has time for all these?
Oh? He has seen heavy bakassi and boobies that he wants to climb, foolish boy! He doesn’t know these are high maintenance?
Anyway, so one day, a Friday to be precise, he came to my office in uber, I asked what happened to his car amd he gave me one story about mechanic…then I saw he had a small duffel bag, like an over night carry-on. Guess what? Bobo had planned to spend the weekend with me!
I couldn’t stop laughing. These children are bold o!
Me! You carried a bag to come and spend weekend with me! Did anyone tell him I wanted to adopt a child or did I put a sign out there saying I was lonely?
Ask me, o!
So I called him into my office, locked the door and in as much of a motherly tone as I could muster, I said, “Listen to me, I am over 50; old enough to be your mother, you are just a few years older than my boys in the university, so I will be gentle and it’s not because I am necessarily a good Christian mother, it’s because I eat frogs that lay large eggs when I choose to eat frogs!
How much do you earn? Be prepared to split it with me
Where do you live? You think I will drive my car to that place? Better be ready to move to Lekki, because I won’t be caught dead in that hole you call a home.
Your parents, cannot visit because I won’t tolerate their insults.
You will fuel my gen, and pay my power bills; I will not do uber if either of my cars develops any fault, you will fix one while I drive the other. I have a maid, a driver, and I run a business, you will help part pay their salaries because they would also be useful to you. If these conditions are acceptable, lets’ roll!
I adjusted my breasts and slapped my over-sized bakassi, indicating these were his, if he met my terms.
What happened afterwards?
Let’s just say my contract was cancelled, somehow, it didn’t meet the Tender requirements and I am looking for other businesses. Hunnm, let’s just leave it at that.
(Series written and edited by Peju Akande and based on true stories)