Let’s talk about sex, baby
Let’s talk about you and me
Let’s talk about all the good things
And the bad things that may be
Let’s talk about sex!
The above is the chorus of the song “Let’s Talk About Sex” by Salt ‘N’Pepa, a female rap group which hit the airwaves in the early 90’s.
Talk about sex ke! When we were growing up sex was not talked about especially in the open and certainly not by our parents. In fact we couldn’t imagine our parents doing it.
Kissing, fondling one another, making love. Trying out styles, being randy? How gross!
Although we were madly interested in sex, it was unimaginable that people above 40 were still having a go at it.
Sex was what you did when you were young, heady and love struck. At least that’s what our mothers made us believe when they told us we would tire of it. We were told it was mainly for procreation and made to believe that only men found it enjoyable and that the few women that loved it were tarts.
The only sex education we got was from friends, the few decent “blue films” we watched and from try outs with our boyfriends at hurried meeting places in the neighborhood.
Our mothers only “sex education” lecture came when we started our periods and it was to tell us that if a boy touched us we would get pregnant. Our fathers seemed embarrassed when we started wearing bras and any questions about our sexuality was handled by mothers and they scared us silly.
However, it wasn’t the same with the boys, they were expected to experiment (with other people’s daughters ) and for some of them, fathers jocularly asked them if they were upholding the family name and even directed them to the whorehouse.
Today, sex is in our faces and is talked about anywhere and everywhere even in schools and religious spaces and it’s a good thing as far as I am concerned because it’s natural and healthy especially when it happens within the right relationships.
It is however disturbing to note, that with all the openness about sex, there are still so many myths about it and what it means to both sexes especially the married ones. Many husbands seem to think their wives barely tolerate it and many wives seem to think that’s all their men want.
I was in the midst of some girlfriends the other day and the subject of sex and our men came up and the revelations were interesting to say the least.
The norm before now was for women not to be expressive about their sexual needs, because to show any signs of sexual enjoyment meant you were a bad girl but today’s woman especially the middle aged woman in her mid-forties and early fifties is very liberated. She is more aware of her sexuality, more attuned to and accepting of her body, sexual inclinations and desires. She knows what she what’s, how she wants it and makes no bones about her pleasure or displeasure.
She is adventurous, kinky and loves to experiment. She is aware of the powers she holds in wielding the sexual stick and she uses it well. She craves the whole experience and not just the act.
The reality for most women is that although they want and desire sex, they are not getting it as much as they want and when they do get it, it is not a fulfilling experience and can lead to several frustrations.
There are many reasons why women are frustrated sexually and I will try to highlight some of the more common ones.
- Our up -bringing and background have made some of us prudish. The idea that sex is bad, whorish and only for procreation has taken its toll on some women and men. Some men believe that a good woman should not be sexually adventurous, must not initiate sex, and that oral sex and some styles are no go areas. So their women are bored and barely tolerate the act.
- It is widely acknowledged that by middle age most men experience a wane in their sexual desires, stamina and appetite whilst women begin to experience a surge in theirs. The reasons for this is not far-fetched, several physical ailments such as diabetes, hypertension etc affect middle aged men and the conditions and medications for treating such illnesses have side effects resulting in low libido and erectile dysfunction. From a woman’s point of view, it is very frustrating when a man’s plumbing is not working well. So much effort is exerted in trying to maintain an erection that most times the woman is put off by the time it stands at half-mast. Then there is the hurried attempt to muster a release before the organ becomes flaccid which leaves the woman nursing an unfulfilled desire as she has had no time to get prepared not to talk of enjoying the act before it’s all over. Very few men in this situation make an effort to see to their wives’ satisfaction after their premature release because as far as they are concerned the act is over. Most men are not aware that there is more to making love than penetrating and they never explore other ways of fulfilling their women.
- Sex is an emotional act for most women and when they are aware that their men are cheating, they are very reluctant to share their bodies with other women especially when they know that condoms are known to fail sometimes and do not provide full protection and that some men don’t use any protection. Stories abound about men who have infected their women with STDs and HIV without telling them, leaving the woman to die whilst they treated themselves or were taking anti-retroviral drugs.
- Just like men, women are attracted to bodies and a fine psyche and for some, the thought of their husbands potbellies is a huge turnoff. For some women their husbands lack of personal cleanliness makes them cringe at the thought of being touched by them.
- Issues in the relationship resulting in emotional distress also result in sexual frustrations. A lot of women are in marriages where their husbands do not touch them for weeks and months and who are either afraid to touch them or who get rebuffed when they do ask for sex. Rejection is a turn off for both men and women.
- Finally and most importantly, a lot of men are inept at making love, they grope, grasp, bite, suck, lick without much finesse and think because they are married they don’t need to up their game, sweet talk their wives, have fore play or that she will not be interested in new adventures in bed.
A lot of woman have been left nursing a growing desire to be sexually fulfilled and whilst they do not want to cheat they do want to experience the joy of sexual fulfillment and so many are turning to external gadgets i.e.sex toys to fulfill their fantasies.
A lot of them cannot tell their men that they are not being satisfied because men take criticism of their sexual prowess very personal. In fact I heard of a situation where the couple got divorced and one of the reasons given by the man who petitioned the court was that his wife said he wasn’t satisfying her sexually. He said no woman had ever told him that and he couldn’t stay with a woman who wasn’t satisfied with his lovemaking.
A lot of men are unaware that penetration alone doesn’t necessarily give a woman satisfaction and they are lazy and selfish when it comes to fulfilling their partners sexually. The fact that she moans when you make love is not an indication that she is being fulfilled. The truth is that a lot of women (including the young side chicks most men sleep with to assure them of their sexual prowess) pretend to enjoy the act in order to massage the man’s ego.
So, today I encourage us all to talk about sex, let’s tell it how it is and how it could be, how it was, and of course, how it should be.
Let’s have that sex talk with our significant other.
It will do us all some good.